I really should be working on homework, but every once in a
while an idea or a theme will pop into my head and not leave me alone until I
get it down! So, here I am scribbling
down my thoughts, attempting to organize as I go along…haha.
It’s not much of a shock to most people when I say that I
didn’t have a very good transition when I moved to the States. You would think that these transitional
issues would have raised their ugly head’s earlier in the game, but that just
wasn’t true for my situation. The main
culprit was the fact that I had home – at the time it was the Azores, where I
had lived the past six years – to go back to.
The first two years of college were a-ok. I got involved, made some great friends,
traveled with my friends whether it was with Symphonic Band or with those
friends back to their houses on what little breaks I got free (the joys of
being a music major in a traveling band!).
It wasn’t until my parents moved from the Azores to Germany that I
started to really have issues. Looking
back, it all makes sense. But in the
middle of it, I couldn’t even begin to tell you what my problem was. My symptoms included: Anger. Panic Attacks.
Depression. Nothing felt right. No one felt familiar. The degree that I had been obtaining didn’t
feel right anymore, so I started questioning everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I felt unsafe and very lost. And no one, at the time, recognized that it
was transitional related.
It has gotten better, but it has taken a LONG time… It’
taken almost eight years to recognize what was going on. That’s why I’ve clung to my TCK networks and
why I feel incredibly privileged to be on the start up mentor team for SeaChange Mentoring!! You should totally
check out their website if you haven’t already.
This innovative, brand-new organization’s goal is to work with and
mentor expat youth in order to relieve as much reverse culture shock as
possible!
So, I was thinking today.
TCKs are really good at being chameleons. Transitioning from one culture to the next,
interacting with all walks of people from around the world has enabled our
special breed to observe our surroundings a little more scrutinously (it’s not
a word, but just go with it).
For whatever reason, though, I have -- but I haven’t utilized
this technique in the States – my passport country. I have to an extent in different social
settings, but I’m much more aware of when I’m observing rather than allowing
myself to just be me. But then that ever
probing question pops up…is this technique, the technique to sit back and
observe – to become a chameleon, part of who I am? Yes and no.
Yes, because my surroundings growing up called for me to be a little
more “in-tune” with others because my traditions and ways of life didn’t always
match up with how others customs were.
That may seem confusing to a young child – but it’s more confusing to me
now. As a child, it just was what it
was. Now, I constantly analyze and
question EVERYTHING! Maybe to a
fault… but it’s also not part of me because as
I grow older, I’m learning what my personality is. I guess you could say I still am cautious
about who I trust to show my true colors to.
When I first came back to the states, I just was who I was,
but it was so out of sync with my American peers that it really threw me for a
loop. I thought something was wrong with
me! That’s where depression and
withdrawal came into play. So many other
times, I had been surrounded by many differences – yet…we accepted each other’s
differences. That didn’t seem to be as prevalent
among a monocultural community. And
really…do you think a teenager is going to understand that concept of why her
peers aren’t accepting her? Sure, it
makes sense now. Everything is 20/20 in
hindsight.
My problem at the time was that I lumped all Americans that
didn’t grow up the way I had into the same box.
They were close –minded, judgmental and could NEVER possibly understand
me or my quirks. Over the years, though,
I‘ve come to learn that not every American is like that. Just because they didn’t grow up the way I
did doesn’t mean they can’t possibly fathom the hardships (as well as the
awesomeness) that I’ve encountered.
There are people out there that care enough to know. I have just been burned and hurt by a lot of
people who don’t care to know. Not only
did I close myself off to others – I closed my own self off. I shut out good memories because I thought
everything was bad since it didn’t fit the mold of my current culture.
I still struggle with that. I struggle with having the need to fit in, but I feel it's because I still haven't found my sense of community and belonging. I was much more comfortable overseas and have felt out of sync living in the States for the last 10 years. Some days are better than others, but in new situations I'm in an awkward situation all over again. How do I introduce myself? How do I fit in? How do I find common ground? Is this group going to allow me to talk about my life and my experiences without thinking I'm snotty, bratty, and stuck up?
I'm still trying to learn how to fit in....or to at least find my place - to find where my puzzle piece actually fits.
