What I took away from that episode is that I don't have much national pride towards the United States, my passport country. Please understand that I'm not saying I hate America, I'm just stating that being a TCK has thwarted me from feeling a sense of nationality towards any one country.
We would come back to the States every summer to visit. So, this country was viewed as vacation time - as family time - as relaxing time. I use to dream about what it would be like to live in the different cities and towns we passed through. I would peer out the van window (because we always rented a van to travel cross the states) and dream up lovely stories about life in the United States. These dreams and stories became enhanced as I listened to the stories my parents would tell about their childhood in the US....but they were just that to me. Stories. I don't remember much of my childhood before we left to live abroad. I was only six-years old when we left. Vacation time was filled with shopping and fast food restaurants and the Disney channel - all the things we couldn't get living in our remote homes.
Because we came back to the States in the summer time, we would always end up watching the 4th of July fireworks. I loved the colors and the ones that sizzled. HATED the ones that just exploded like a bombs. I would always cover my ears and wait for the pretty ones to soar back into the air!
Just like the dreams and idealistic stories I made up in my head about living in the US, watching the fireworks was pretty much the same thing to me. I don't know many kids (young kids) that truly understand the importance of why fireworks are lit on the 4th of July. I was one of those kids. It was just like any other piece of history I had been dragged along to see (yes, sorry that was my interpretation of all our historical visits).
We went to London three different times. We went to West Minister Abby and saw where all these famous people had been buried. I was surrounded by rich history. We went to the Tower of London and the thing that sticks out in my mind are the stakes that lined the walkways, stained in blood from the many heads shoved onto them after being chopped off so the crows could eat it....BLECH!
It was like I was walking amongst a real-life story, but none of it seemed real to me. It seemed like I was always watching, but never fully partaking; always an outsider observing the mannerisms, ways, and behaviors of others even at such a young age.
I don't partake in politics because, just like the fireworks, I didn't think it pertained to me. We had the news on in our house a lot in Bahrain 1. Because we were limited to the channels we had and 2. Because we moved over there right before the Gulf War started. Now that I live in the US, I still don't partake in politics and don't get why the nation as a whole is consumed with it. That's just my opinion.
I don't partake in sports and find it silly that Americans get so into and hardcore about sports. Sure, Europeans were big into football (soccer). Sure, the Portuguese loved their bull fights and letting the bulls run.
I think I become apprehensive and resistant to accepting "American Culture" because I'm expected to accept it as my sole culture and that's not who I am. I want to be able to observe and watch from afar, but I can't really do that now as a citizen. I'm expected to share the same national sense and pride....but I just don't. I haven't changed the way I do things. I've always watched from afar and participated when I felt like I could, but never fully immersed myself into any one culture because I wasn't part of that culture. Now that I am back "home," I'm looked at as strange because I don't dive right in.
I wonder if I ever will - or if I'll continually watch from the sidelines, taking it all in?
