Still Trying to Fit In

I really should be working on homework, but every once in a while an idea or a theme will pop into my head and not leave me alone until I get it down!  So, here I am scribbling down my thoughts, attempting to organize as I go along…haha.

It’s not much of a shock to most people when I say that I didn’t have a very good transition when I moved to the States.  You would think that these transitional issues would have raised their ugly head’s earlier in the game, but that just wasn’t true for my situation.  The main culprit was the fact that I had home – at the time it was the Azores, where I had lived the past six years – to go back to.  The first two years of college were a-ok.  I got involved, made some great friends, traveled with my friends whether it was with Symphonic Band or with those friends back to their houses on what little breaks I got free (the joys of being a music major in a traveling band!).  It wasn’t until my parents moved from the Azores to Germany that I started to really have issues.  Looking back, it all makes sense.  But in the middle of it, I couldn’t even begin to tell you what my problem was.  My symptoms included: Anger. Panic Attacks. Depression.  Nothing felt right.  No one felt familiar.  The degree that I had been obtaining didn’t feel right anymore, so I started questioning everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  I felt unsafe and very lost.  And no one, at the time, recognized that it was transitional related.

It has gotten better, but it has taken a LONG time… It’ taken almost eight years to recognize what was going on.  That’s why I’ve clung to my TCK networks and why I feel incredibly privileged to be on the start up mentor team for SeaChange Mentoring!!  You should totally check out their website if you haven’t already.  This innovative, brand-new organization’s goal is to work with and mentor expat youth in order to relieve as much reverse culture shock as possible!

So, I was thinking today.  TCKs are really good at being chameleons.  Transitioning from one culture to the next, interacting with all walks of people from around the world has enabled our special breed to observe our surroundings a little more scrutinously (it’s not a word, but just go with it). 

For whatever reason, though, I have -- but I haven’t utilized this technique in the States – my passport country.  I have to an extent in different social settings, but I’m much more aware of when I’m observing rather than allowing myself to just be me.  But then that ever probing question pops up…is this technique, the technique to sit back and observe – to become a chameleon, part of who I am?  Yes and no.  Yes, because my surroundings growing up called for me to be a little more “in-tune” with others because my traditions and ways of life didn’t always match up with how others customs were.  That may seem confusing to a young child – but it’s more confusing to me now.  As a child, it just was what it was.  Now, I constantly analyze and question EVERYTHING!  Maybe to a fault…  but it’s also not part of me because as I grow older, I’m learning what my personality is.  I guess you could say I still am cautious about who I trust to show my true colors to.

When I first came back to the states, I just was who I was, but it was so out of sync with my American peers that it really threw me for a loop.  I thought something was wrong with me!  That’s where depression and withdrawal came into play.  So many other times, I had been surrounded by many differences – yet…we accepted each other’s differences.  That didn’t seem to be as prevalent among a monocultural community.  And really…do you think a teenager is going to understand that concept of why her peers aren’t accepting her?  Sure, it makes sense now.  Everything is 20/20 in hindsight. 

My problem at the time was that I lumped all Americans that didn’t grow up the way I had into the same box.  They were close –minded, judgmental and could NEVER possibly understand me or my quirks.  Over the years, though, I‘ve come to learn that not every American is like that.  Just because they didn’t grow up the way I did doesn’t mean they can’t possibly fathom the hardships (as well as the awesomeness) that I’ve encountered.  There are people out there that care enough to know.  I have just been burned and hurt by a lot of people who don’t care to know.  Not only did I close myself off to others – I closed my own self off.  I shut out good memories because I thought everything was bad since it didn’t fit the mold of my current culture. 

I still struggle with that.  I struggle with having the need to fit in, but I feel it's because I still haven't found my sense of community and belonging.  I was much more comfortable overseas and have felt out of sync living in the States for the last 10 years.  Some days are better than others, but in new situations I'm in an awkward situation all over again.  How do I introduce myself?  How do I fit in?  How do I find common ground?  Is this group going to allow me to talk about my life and my experiences without thinking I'm snotty, bratty, and stuck up?

I'm still trying to learn how to fit in....or to at least find my place - to find where my puzzle piece actually fits.

Personal Struggles with not knowing I was a TCK

In my last post, I stated that I would write about coping mechanisms - which I will - but for now, I'm still trying to figure all of this stuff out and figure myself out.

I did not have the language or knowledge to know I was going to be smacked in the face with reverse culture shock. I was quite naive and figured, I have heard all the stories about my folks growing up in the States and we vacationed there pretty much every summer since we moved abroad, moving to the States will be a piece of cake!

I really was ok my first two years in the US. I jumped right into the college lifestyle and got involved. We all were new and trying to make the best out of our situation while attempting to study and get good grades (with the occasional justification of sleeping in instead of going to that 8 a.m. class). I would travel with the band I was involved in, getting to stay with host families and traveling to all kinds of different churches while we performed. I loved it!

My issues arose when my folks left the Azores and moved to Germany. When I went "home" for Christmas that first time after they had moved (end of my sophomore year), all my anger set in, but at the time I was experiencing emotions without cognitively understanding why. I started dreading going with friends to their homes for the holidays. I would get so angry and incredibly jealous with their traditions and family gatherings. Little did I know that once I left the Azores for college, my traditions with my family - what I knew - was all gone. It was all fun and games until reality set in and I was fending on my own.

I was (and still am) really good at getting to know people for the first time. But nobody asked me about my family, my likes, my traditions. And ten years later, I still have a very difficult time remembering what I did as a child, what traditions we had, all the awesome memories and experiences....because now I associate that with people not wanting anything to do with me because they don't understand.

What happened was not only did I lose my home, when I started having anger issues, my classmates and friends at my university started backing away from me. So, I also lost the support and friendship I had started to rely on. That experience was quite traumatic....and I'm already a very sensitive person.

I wanted to move away from that place, from Tennessee, after I dropped out of school and lost the friends I once had. I wanted to start my life anew and thought that my husband's family would take the place of my family. But again I was met with blank stares, misunderstanding, and nobody really trying to get to know me for who I was. All they could see was this girl with a lot of issues. Tired. Depressed. Emotional. Withdrawn. Defeated.

I do NOT regret the way I grew up AT ALL!! I want to make that clear. I just wish I could remember it better. I wish I had enough confidence in myself and had others supporting me through that transitional time.

I can look back now and start putting pieces of the puzzle together. But I'm still lonely and I still don't have many people to rely on. I admit that it is quite painful to talk openly about this. Part of me feels ashamed that I didn't realize I was going through transitional issues. Part of me feels bad that now that I'm beginning to understand, I should instantly snap out of my depression. I see others who embrace their unique TCK lifestyle. I see others who are thriving, successful, and helpful to others and I wonder what good I've done...if anything.

All of this makes me feel incredibly empty on the inside. I often feel alone in my struggles and it hurts so much when others don't understand, let alone care to understand, and I'm left to continue with these struggles on my own.

TCKs and Repatriating

I came across an interesting article on expats repatriating (or re-entering) to their home countries. The Process of Re-entry by Gary Weaver presents both the good with the bad about repatriation. I believe this article speaks of older rather than younger expatriates who are also known as Third Culture Kids - having been immersed in both their home culture and the cultures of their homes abroad - because the beginning of the article discusses that a person who leaves their native country usually "find their culture by leaving it".

I can understand that from an older expats experience and possibly even someone who is leaving their culture to study abroad. It is often an exciting and eye-opening adventure that changes the lives of those who travel to countries that are quite different from their own.

But it is quite different for someone who grew up living their life abroad from the time they were a child.

One quote that is interesting from the article and that also helps shed some light on why I had a difficult time repatriating is "those who have adapted best to life overseas tend to have the most difficulty reentering their home culture."

This makes sense because the TCK's life overseas has become their "norm," their "home" and it's quite confusing when you use the language "OK, now you're going to move back home to -fill in the blank country-" especially if your home country (passport country) really was never a place that you remember as home.

The article discusses that reverse culture shock is more stressful, prominent, and worse than culture shock. My question to you, though, is: should we really be labeling it reverse culture shock when TCKs repatriate into their home countries especially when there isn't much of a memory there of it ever being "home"?

How would you explain it???

The other aspect of this article that I enjoy and taking in, making sense of, and hopefully will apply what I can (even thought it's been 10 years since I repatriated) is the coping strategies section.
The coping strategies that the author suggest are:

• Decompression
• Communication Outlets
• Stress Management
• Cues or Reinforcers
• Identity and Cultural Transition

My next blog will include how I both did and/or did not have access to, utilize, know about, and recognize these coping strategies. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Friendships?

I have come to realize through talks with counselors, but mainly through self-exploration, that I have issues with abandonment and rejection…I think it’s always been there, but it has been more prominent since moving to the US and especially after what I describe as the “defining moment” of being stuck in the States with no other place to call home.

I talk more about my time in Lajes (the Azores) only because I remember it better. My peers were coming in and out every year and a half to two years because it was an Airforce Base that didn’t allot extended service in the area. I stayed for 6 years (I technically count 8 because I still considered it “home” when I went to the US to start college). During my time, I had a solid community of other teacher’s kids, but I had the excitement of new students coming in every year. I loved getting to know people. I loved the change. I was sad to see good friends go, but the sadness was overshadowed by the change.

We didn’t usually have a lot of time together, so we got to know each other quickly and deeply. You knew who you could mesh with. You knew who wanted to open up and when they did, we had a beautiful, fulfilling relationship.

From my experiences, Americans don’t open up as quickly as I’m used to…well, it depends on the setting. Freshmen or transfer students to a university setting are more likely to open up and plunge into the social atmosphere. Outside of a college setting, though, I find it difficult to bond with others.

The people in the area where I currently live have lived here the majority of their lives. They aren’t use to people coming in and out. They don’t realize just because I’ve lived here for 4 years doesn’t mean I “know” the area or now I’m a “local”, but it’s assumed. I often feel in two very different places. Either I’m expected to understand the dynamics of the local culture (or if I don’t, I’m met with deep, set opinions on the matter along with strange looks and sneered noses) or I completely close myself off and nobody seems to notice. Neither are the best places to be.

So, the dynamics of my current situation have been a difficult one to navigate. And then there is trying to juggle relationships. One TCK trait is “the experiences of TCKs among different cultures and various relationships makes it difficult for them to have in-depth communication with those who have not experienced similar conditions.” So, what to talk about with people who don’t get it? How to create a bond with others that are local and VERY set in their ways?

The way I’ve been doing it is (keeping in mind that another TCK trait is 90% feel "out of sync" with their peers.):

At first I jump into my old habits of disclosing any and all of myself. Either one of two things will happen. They’ll be slightly interested, albeit freaked out so I take that as a cue to tone it down OR they are just freaked out and I analyze and over analyze what I did wrong.

So, if I’m lucky to have someone slightly interested, I do what I do best…I inquire about the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves. Or if they don’t, it’s typically because others constantly talk about themselves and don’t give anyone else the chance to talk. Once others start opening up to me, I continue to inquire and ask questions and positively reinforce them.

What happens though is…I’m not disclosing anything about myself. Or the topics that I enjoy talking about (culture, personalities, humanitarian and philosophical things) are too deep or not interesting to most. So, the relationship becomes unbalanced and then when I want to talk or need to talk, even if I don’t know what the crap to talk about, that is not the dynamics of our relationship and a rift starts to take place; a rift that is either balanced (ironically) by me shutting up and making it all about them or praying and hoping to find someone that is willing to accept me, quirks and all, and willing to TRY and understand even if they don’t.

I’m at a place now where I have very few people in my life and it seems like anytime the above paragraph happens, I end up having an anxiety attack.

It feels like groundhog’s day in the realm of relationships for me.

I’m tired of the unbalanced friendships/relationships. But how do you counteract that when time after time it has been shown that people don’t want to take the time to get to know me? Time after time people don’t want to inquire about my life because it is so foreign from theirs or they don’t want to sift through the depression and sadness to see that there is life and happiness deep down inside of me (sometimes I have a hard time finding it!). OR when someone does show interest…it’s been years for me to have someone in my life that genuinely cares and now I’m distrusting or I’ve just gotten use to not talking about myself so I don’t even know what to say anymore.

That’s the biggest issue, even with my own spouse. I just don’t know what to say. And then I fear I’m too boring. And then the cycle of depression starts all over again.

So, I’ve listened a long time to others tell me I rely too much on others for my happiness. So, am I supposed to be happy when I am alone in my house….alone at my job…alone roughly 85-90% of the time? Or am I not allowing God to complete me?

Spiteful and bitter? Yes. Identity crisis and loss of self (self-worth, self-esteem, self as a whole)? Yes.

So, yes I have issues with abandonment and rejection. But I have no idea how to do the whole relationship/friendship thing anymore.

The Vulnerability of Being Real

Many things are starting to transition in my life. Or rather, I'm transitioning. It's not yet time to share all that I'm going through and have to look forward to, but it will be time soon enough.

What I can share is this:

I've started attending church again and the most amazing thing happened this past Sunday. I've started going to a new church and the guest speaker this past Sunday is a good, long-time friend of the pastor. His message was interesting but I completely related. The guest's message was about going through the traumatic event of losing his daughter. He was in the ER with her when she was in and out of life and praying for her and was then going to leave, but one of the machines in the ER trapped him in and then caused him to have PTSD.

He confessed to being on an antidepressant, antianxiety medication and a sleeping pill which are things that most people are ashamed to even mention or talk about in church.

He used a beautiful illustration of putting aluminum foil on his hand and said a lot of times Christians use an aluminum handkerchief to wipe away the tears of those grieving and hurting, but what they don't realize is that they are hurting that person more and they ultimately don't want to be touched by other's pains and traumas.

He is still going through the healing process which was a nice change to hear because a lot of times, people will give messages in church about how they've gone through something and then are already on the other side of things. It can get very discouraging especially when you're still going through the process of grief and haven't "arrived".

I'm so heart-broken for what this gentleman has gone through and continues to go through, but I could relate to almost everything he said. He explained that once he went through this trauma, people he knew and loved for years suddenly disappeared out of his life. That is what happened to me at Lee University. I started acting in ways I didn't understand and people abandoned me. He has been told by many people of faith that he doesn't have enough faith to be healed or that it just takes reading God's word. I was told the same thing. It was so nice to have someone real up there. I was just in an inpatient psych ward last July due to suicidal ideation. I've been so embarrassed and ashamed to talk to others about it. I feel like people don't believe me or just don't want to acknowledge what that means. He said he was in an inpatient psych ward about six months ago and it's sad that he felt he could be most real in there instead of in church.

I'm real. I'm emotional. I am who I am. Maybe I open myself up to being hurt so easily because of how real I am, but I've attempted to play the game of trying to keep up - trying to be what others want me to be - trying to be who I think others expect me to be for way too long...and I just can't do it any longer.

I know most people don't understand the whole TCK thing. They don't understand why I can't just be happy in the United States...my citizenship is American after all. I grew up around other Americans and was able to speak English wherever I went. But I also lived in other countries. I was immersed in the cultures of those countries. I was surrounded by other people from very different walks of life. That is a part of me and always will be. My American experience was limited to the stories from my parents and vacations in the States every summer. It's not fair to expect me to be rooted in a place and have national pride in a place that I only visited and heard stories of.

Transitions: Developing a Better Understanding of TCKs

As usual, I'm trying to process why I'm feeling low and out of sorts. When this happens, I typically sit and brood for a while - complacent and passive until I get tired of even being tired and decide to take some action. I didn't realize how much information there actually is out there about TCKs. I'm surprised because I'm only now discovering and gleaning information and it's overwhelming to realize that research on the topic has been on-going for years. It makes me feel behind, but at the same time it helps me realize that as TCKs shift with our ever changing world, there is a need for research and understanding on the topic to shift, as well.

I still find it amazing how much I relate to the majority of everything I read about TCKs. It sounds odd, but I know I'm a TCK yet it's hard to accept it sometimes due to my expectations of what I thought life would be like in the United States. I didn't have the opportunity to reframe my thoughts and expectations and wasn't prepared about repatriation. Instead of seeing a move to the States as moving to a new foreign country, I viewed as "going home"....

The issue with that thought lies in the fact that I left this (United States, passport country) place that I'm expecting to be home when I was six years old. Yes, I came back every summer, but I wasn't living here. Plus, when we came to the States in the summer, we would travel all around. You could equate that somewhat to the multiple times we went to London. We went there three times and some of the things we experienced were familiar. The same is true with the United States. We started to vacation in New Hampshire in the summers and ended up vacationing in the same location a total of 5 summers. It was familiar to come back to the same area, but I think we only rented the exact same chalet twice while all other times we were in a different chalet. So, even with that experience I didn't consider it home.

I'm trying to learn not to ask "why" so much anymore. It's very natural for me to want to ask "why did I call coming to the United states going back home," but the more I question things the more unraveled and confused I feel.

Reading this article about reentry, it makes so much sense when this adolescent repatriate gave the following advice: "Repatriating adolescents [or even adults] be advised to treat their "home" country as a foreign country. After all, he explained, once you have moved abroad you have learned how to deal with ambiguity and confusing cultural patterns. It is living at "home," where you are supposed to know how everything works, that is hard."

Part of me still wants to help repatriating TCKs and even international students as they come into the United States and are trying to get acclimated with a new culture. That's the reason I chose Higher Education to go into. But I question myself. I question if I would even be able to help them because I feel so behind in my own understanding and knowledge of TCK information. It sounds silly. I know we can't know everything right away - that's the point of learning and growing. I just feel like there is still so much growth that I need to do and I'm tired.

I found this other website and it's a great source of information for TCK students transitioning to American college life. It gives a great list of resources and even explains some things that TCKs deal with, how they interact with others, benefits and hardships, and then some potential activities/events to get TCKs involved in campus life.

I'm still learning so much. It's a painful growing period. It's relieving to find this information, hard to accept that I feel some of my pain could have been prevented, exciting because I want to learn more, grow as a person and professional, and aid others in their experiences transitioning.

TCK = Eclectic

I've been listening to a lot of eclectic music on Pandora lately. I usually pick something that fits my mood for the day. Been listening to a lot of jazz and experimental/avant-garde and I happened upon a musician who's music is definitely unique. So, I looked him up and I found a quote by him that just struck a chord (no pun intended)!!

"I'm an additive person - the entire storehouse of my knowledge informs everything I do. People are so obsessed with the surface that they can't see the connections, but they are there." ~ John Zorn

Aren't we all like that, especially us TCKs??? We take from every place, every culture we've lived in and added bits and pieces to our storehouse which then informs and molds us into the people we are today.

We are all eclectic in one form or another, but much more so as a TCK. We've been immersed and pulled from many different cultures and just like the picture below, things that might not seem to mesh or belong together end up becoming a beautiful piece of artwork <3.

I'm going to start seeing myself as such. An eclectic, abstract piece of artwork :)

P.S. - even if you're not a huge jazz fan, you should totally check out Strunz & Farrah. Jorge Strunz grew up as a diplomat's kid and hails from Costa Rica. Ardeshir Farah is originally from Iran and the two met up and fused their native land's cultural musical styles together and they are AWESOME. Plus I like it because the two places I grew up were in the Middle East and Portugal (which has Latin roots) so it makes me feel nostalgic, too.