Personal Struggles with not knowing I was a TCK

In my last post, I stated that I would write about coping mechanisms - which I will - but for now, I'm still trying to figure all of this stuff out and figure myself out.

I did not have the language or knowledge to know I was going to be smacked in the face with reverse culture shock. I was quite naive and figured, I have heard all the stories about my folks growing up in the States and we vacationed there pretty much every summer since we moved abroad, moving to the States will be a piece of cake!

I really was ok my first two years in the US. I jumped right into the college lifestyle and got involved. We all were new and trying to make the best out of our situation while attempting to study and get good grades (with the occasional justification of sleeping in instead of going to that 8 a.m. class). I would travel with the band I was involved in, getting to stay with host families and traveling to all kinds of different churches while we performed. I loved it!

My issues arose when my folks left the Azores and moved to Germany. When I went "home" for Christmas that first time after they had moved (end of my sophomore year), all my anger set in, but at the time I was experiencing emotions without cognitively understanding why. I started dreading going with friends to their homes for the holidays. I would get so angry and incredibly jealous with their traditions and family gatherings. Little did I know that once I left the Azores for college, my traditions with my family - what I knew - was all gone. It was all fun and games until reality set in and I was fending on my own.

I was (and still am) really good at getting to know people for the first time. But nobody asked me about my family, my likes, my traditions. And ten years later, I still have a very difficult time remembering what I did as a child, what traditions we had, all the awesome memories and experiences....because now I associate that with people not wanting anything to do with me because they don't understand.

What happened was not only did I lose my home, when I started having anger issues, my classmates and friends at my university started backing away from me. So, I also lost the support and friendship I had started to rely on. That experience was quite traumatic....and I'm already a very sensitive person.

I wanted to move away from that place, from Tennessee, after I dropped out of school and lost the friends I once had. I wanted to start my life anew and thought that my husband's family would take the place of my family. But again I was met with blank stares, misunderstanding, and nobody really trying to get to know me for who I was. All they could see was this girl with a lot of issues. Tired. Depressed. Emotional. Withdrawn. Defeated.

I do NOT regret the way I grew up AT ALL!! I want to make that clear. I just wish I could remember it better. I wish I had enough confidence in myself and had others supporting me through that transitional time.

I can look back now and start putting pieces of the puzzle together. But I'm still lonely and I still don't have many people to rely on. I admit that it is quite painful to talk openly about this. Part of me feels ashamed that I didn't realize I was going through transitional issues. Part of me feels bad that now that I'm beginning to understand, I should instantly snap out of my depression. I see others who embrace their unique TCK lifestyle. I see others who are thriving, successful, and helpful to others and I wonder what good I've done...if anything.

All of this makes me feel incredibly empty on the inside. I often feel alone in my struggles and it hurts so much when others don't understand, let alone care to understand, and I'm left to continue with these struggles on my own.

TCKs and Repatriating

I came across an interesting article on expats repatriating (or re-entering) to their home countries. The Process of Re-entry by Gary Weaver presents both the good with the bad about repatriation. I believe this article speaks of older rather than younger expatriates who are also known as Third Culture Kids - having been immersed in both their home culture and the cultures of their homes abroad - because the beginning of the article discusses that a person who leaves their native country usually "find their culture by leaving it".

I can understand that from an older expats experience and possibly even someone who is leaving their culture to study abroad. It is often an exciting and eye-opening adventure that changes the lives of those who travel to countries that are quite different from their own.

But it is quite different for someone who grew up living their life abroad from the time they were a child.

One quote that is interesting from the article and that also helps shed some light on why I had a difficult time repatriating is "those who have adapted best to life overseas tend to have the most difficulty reentering their home culture."

This makes sense because the TCK's life overseas has become their "norm," their "home" and it's quite confusing when you use the language "OK, now you're going to move back home to -fill in the blank country-" especially if your home country (passport country) really was never a place that you remember as home.

The article discusses that reverse culture shock is more stressful, prominent, and worse than culture shock. My question to you, though, is: should we really be labeling it reverse culture shock when TCKs repatriate into their home countries especially when there isn't much of a memory there of it ever being "home"?

How would you explain it???

The other aspect of this article that I enjoy and taking in, making sense of, and hopefully will apply what I can (even thought it's been 10 years since I repatriated) is the coping strategies section.
The coping strategies that the author suggest are:

• Decompression
• Communication Outlets
• Stress Management
• Cues or Reinforcers
• Identity and Cultural Transition

My next blog will include how I both did and/or did not have access to, utilize, know about, and recognize these coping strategies. I would love to hear your thoughts.