I wish I could rip this day - this feeling out like a page in a magazine and then crumble it up and toss it away.
I say its hard because it truly is. I want to take a day off, but I can't. I have to keep pushing through. I thought everything would be hunky dorey once I started using the progesterone cream on a regular basis and I must admit, the swings aren't as severe...but man, they're still there!
I laid in bed and just cried last night. I was finally able to cry about my losses....and I think there will be plenty more times to come like that. At first I didn't want to and I laid there with a tissue over my face trying to keep back the sobs that were welling up inside. I tried to hold it back, but then I said screw it and the tears came.
I cried for losing my home knowing I'll never be able to go back - knowing nothing will ever be the same - feeling estranged in this country but disconnected from the country I called home the longest. I cried for losing Jessica knowing how young she was and just starting her family. Knowing she had so much more to give and she would never watch her son grow up. Longing for the fun times in high school and just to talk to her again. I cried for losing my grandpa knowing that I would never hear his voice again and he would never call us "the babiessss" ever again.
Why does our society frown on grief? Why are we just supposed to get up and get over it? Because crying is a sign of weakness? That's bologna. I use to get made fun of in elementary and high school for being too emotional and I acted like a baby and I cried too easily. Screw all of that! It's healthy to cry and its healthy to let the tears wash away the pain.
Why is it so uncomfortable for others to deal with raw emotions? It's not like emotions are taboo. Every human being has the capability to show emotion and some express it a lot more freely than others. I use to express my emotions freely and then I was shunned for it because the way I was expressing myself was uncomfortable to those around me.
I cannot and will not live to appease others. If I'm doing something morally wrong by having a bad freaking day, show me how it's wrong. Show me how I'm in the wrong for hurting. Show me how I'm in the wrong for wanting something better. Don't lecture me. Don't yell at me. Don't shun me. Don't abandon me. We all can get prickly sometimes, but there is still water flowing deep within. And its OK to let it out.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
White Rabbit Syndrome
I must admit, my moods have been nothing but good lately! However, I still feel rushed and tired....oh so tired! I never feel like I stay caught up. I always feel two steps behind with the rest of the world. It's like I'm perpetually in White Rabbit mode, running late no matter what I do or where I go.
I had a discussion about this with my father one time. He says its my personality, but I think it has to do with the cultures I grew up in, too - probably emphasized what was already there. Both Bahrain and the Azores are cultures that view times as polychronic not monochronic. If you go here you can look at definitions for both and see which category you fall into. Also, if you go here you will be able to read a little bit more in depth about what the differences are between polychronic and monochronic type people.
Anywho, I definitely fall into the category of polychron but live in this American culture of: must be at "x" place on time, people will be mad at you if you don't follow through with plans made, get in and get out, get the job done and make sure the door is closed when you do it, etc! UGH!! I don't operate like that at all!!! If I see someone on the side of the road on my way to work, I want the opportunity to pull over and help them without being punished because I wasn't at work on time. I know there are things that I can learn from a monochronic personality...trust me, both my parents are and I'm married to one too! However, I think there is a lot you can learn from a polychronic personality as well.
I use to feel guilty for the way that I am. For canceling plans, for ALWAYS running late, for starting one project and then getting distracted, for the looks and the disappointments. But I'm here to say that I don't find TIME to be of utmost importance. I find PEOPLE to be the most important thing in my life! I hate feeling rushed anywhere. It causes anxiety and stress like going to see the queen or something! Oh got to get to the doctors appointment right away. To do what? Sit and wait?? It's all on their time anyway. I could have been watering plants or playing with my animals or talking to a friend while I sit in the waiting room twiddling my thumbs.
The nice thing about polychronic personalities - if you can get past the stress of always running late - is that you're introduced to opportunities and people you may not have had or met if you had been so focused on the time or job at hand.
A word of advice for monochrons. Yes, I know its a pain in the tooshie to have people cancel on you all the blessed time BUT if they end up doing something with you, that means they like you! If you're annoyed that they're always running late...the more important thing to look at is they actually showed up! If they didn't want to give you their time, they wouldn't have come at all! It's just twisting your perspective a little bit.
For now, though, I must deal with the White Rabbit Syndrome in a very monochronic culture.
I had a discussion about this with my father one time. He says its my personality, but I think it has to do with the cultures I grew up in, too - probably emphasized what was already there. Both Bahrain and the Azores are cultures that view times as polychronic not monochronic. If you go here you can look at definitions for both and see which category you fall into. Also, if you go here you will be able to read a little bit more in depth about what the differences are between polychronic and monochronic type people.
Anywho, I definitely fall into the category of polychron but live in this American culture of: must be at "x" place on time, people will be mad at you if you don't follow through with plans made, get in and get out, get the job done and make sure the door is closed when you do it, etc! UGH!! I don't operate like that at all!!! If I see someone on the side of the road on my way to work, I want the opportunity to pull over and help them without being punished because I wasn't at work on time. I know there are things that I can learn from a monochronic personality...trust me, both my parents are and I'm married to one too! However, I think there is a lot you can learn from a polychronic personality as well.
I use to feel guilty for the way that I am. For canceling plans, for ALWAYS running late, for starting one project and then getting distracted, for the looks and the disappointments. But I'm here to say that I don't find TIME to be of utmost importance. I find PEOPLE to be the most important thing in my life! I hate feeling rushed anywhere. It causes anxiety and stress like going to see the queen or something! Oh got to get to the doctors appointment right away. To do what? Sit and wait?? It's all on their time anyway. I could have been watering plants or playing with my animals or talking to a friend while I sit in the waiting room twiddling my thumbs.
The nice thing about polychronic personalities - if you can get past the stress of always running late - is that you're introduced to opportunities and people you may not have had or met if you had been so focused on the time or job at hand.
A word of advice for monochrons. Yes, I know its a pain in the tooshie to have people cancel on you all the blessed time BUT if they end up doing something with you, that means they like you! If you're annoyed that they're always running late...the more important thing to look at is they actually showed up! If they didn't want to give you their time, they wouldn't have come at all! It's just twisting your perspective a little bit.
For now, though, I must deal with the White Rabbit Syndrome in a very monochronic culture.
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