Personal Struggles with not knowing I was a TCK

In my last post, I stated that I would write about coping mechanisms - which I will - but for now, I'm still trying to figure all of this stuff out and figure myself out.

I did not have the language or knowledge to know I was going to be smacked in the face with reverse culture shock. I was quite naive and figured, I have heard all the stories about my folks growing up in the States and we vacationed there pretty much every summer since we moved abroad, moving to the States will be a piece of cake!

I really was ok my first two years in the US. I jumped right into the college lifestyle and got involved. We all were new and trying to make the best out of our situation while attempting to study and get good grades (with the occasional justification of sleeping in instead of going to that 8 a.m. class). I would travel with the band I was involved in, getting to stay with host families and traveling to all kinds of different churches while we performed. I loved it!

My issues arose when my folks left the Azores and moved to Germany. When I went "home" for Christmas that first time after they had moved (end of my sophomore year), all my anger set in, but at the time I was experiencing emotions without cognitively understanding why. I started dreading going with friends to their homes for the holidays. I would get so angry and incredibly jealous with their traditions and family gatherings. Little did I know that once I left the Azores for college, my traditions with my family - what I knew - was all gone. It was all fun and games until reality set in and I was fending on my own.

I was (and still am) really good at getting to know people for the first time. But nobody asked me about my family, my likes, my traditions. And ten years later, I still have a very difficult time remembering what I did as a child, what traditions we had, all the awesome memories and experiences....because now I associate that with people not wanting anything to do with me because they don't understand.

What happened was not only did I lose my home, when I started having anger issues, my classmates and friends at my university started backing away from me. So, I also lost the support and friendship I had started to rely on. That experience was quite traumatic....and I'm already a very sensitive person.

I wanted to move away from that place, from Tennessee, after I dropped out of school and lost the friends I once had. I wanted to start my life anew and thought that my husband's family would take the place of my family. But again I was met with blank stares, misunderstanding, and nobody really trying to get to know me for who I was. All they could see was this girl with a lot of issues. Tired. Depressed. Emotional. Withdrawn. Defeated.

I do NOT regret the way I grew up AT ALL!! I want to make that clear. I just wish I could remember it better. I wish I had enough confidence in myself and had others supporting me through that transitional time.

I can look back now and start putting pieces of the puzzle together. But I'm still lonely and I still don't have many people to rely on. I admit that it is quite painful to talk openly about this. Part of me feels ashamed that I didn't realize I was going through transitional issues. Part of me feels bad that now that I'm beginning to understand, I should instantly snap out of my depression. I see others who embrace their unique TCK lifestyle. I see others who are thriving, successful, and helpful to others and I wonder what good I've done...if anything.

All of this makes me feel incredibly empty on the inside. I often feel alone in my struggles and it hurts so much when others don't understand, let alone care to understand, and I'm left to continue with these struggles on my own.

TCKs and Repatriating

I came across an interesting article on expats repatriating (or re-entering) to their home countries. The Process of Re-entry by Gary Weaver presents both the good with the bad about repatriation. I believe this article speaks of older rather than younger expatriates who are also known as Third Culture Kids - having been immersed in both their home culture and the cultures of their homes abroad - because the beginning of the article discusses that a person who leaves their native country usually "find their culture by leaving it".

I can understand that from an older expats experience and possibly even someone who is leaving their culture to study abroad. It is often an exciting and eye-opening adventure that changes the lives of those who travel to countries that are quite different from their own.

But it is quite different for someone who grew up living their life abroad from the time they were a child.

One quote that is interesting from the article and that also helps shed some light on why I had a difficult time repatriating is "those who have adapted best to life overseas tend to have the most difficulty reentering their home culture."

This makes sense because the TCK's life overseas has become their "norm," their "home" and it's quite confusing when you use the language "OK, now you're going to move back home to -fill in the blank country-" especially if your home country (passport country) really was never a place that you remember as home.

The article discusses that reverse culture shock is more stressful, prominent, and worse than culture shock. My question to you, though, is: should we really be labeling it reverse culture shock when TCKs repatriate into their home countries especially when there isn't much of a memory there of it ever being "home"?

How would you explain it???

The other aspect of this article that I enjoy and taking in, making sense of, and hopefully will apply what I can (even thought it's been 10 years since I repatriated) is the coping strategies section.
The coping strategies that the author suggest are:

• Decompression
• Communication Outlets
• Stress Management
• Cues or Reinforcers
• Identity and Cultural Transition

My next blog will include how I both did and/or did not have access to, utilize, know about, and recognize these coping strategies. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Friendships?

I have come to realize through talks with counselors, but mainly through self-exploration, that I have issues with abandonment and rejection…I think it’s always been there, but it has been more prominent since moving to the US and especially after what I describe as the “defining moment” of being stuck in the States with no other place to call home.

I talk more about my time in Lajes (the Azores) only because I remember it better. My peers were coming in and out every year and a half to two years because it was an Airforce Base that didn’t allot extended service in the area. I stayed for 6 years (I technically count 8 because I still considered it “home” when I went to the US to start college). During my time, I had a solid community of other teacher’s kids, but I had the excitement of new students coming in every year. I loved getting to know people. I loved the change. I was sad to see good friends go, but the sadness was overshadowed by the change.

We didn’t usually have a lot of time together, so we got to know each other quickly and deeply. You knew who you could mesh with. You knew who wanted to open up and when they did, we had a beautiful, fulfilling relationship.

From my experiences, Americans don’t open up as quickly as I’m used to…well, it depends on the setting. Freshmen or transfer students to a university setting are more likely to open up and plunge into the social atmosphere. Outside of a college setting, though, I find it difficult to bond with others.

The people in the area where I currently live have lived here the majority of their lives. They aren’t use to people coming in and out. They don’t realize just because I’ve lived here for 4 years doesn’t mean I “know” the area or now I’m a “local”, but it’s assumed. I often feel in two very different places. Either I’m expected to understand the dynamics of the local culture (or if I don’t, I’m met with deep, set opinions on the matter along with strange looks and sneered noses) or I completely close myself off and nobody seems to notice. Neither are the best places to be.

So, the dynamics of my current situation have been a difficult one to navigate. And then there is trying to juggle relationships. One TCK trait is “the experiences of TCKs among different cultures and various relationships makes it difficult for them to have in-depth communication with those who have not experienced similar conditions.” So, what to talk about with people who don’t get it? How to create a bond with others that are local and VERY set in their ways?

The way I’ve been doing it is (keeping in mind that another TCK trait is 90% feel "out of sync" with their peers.):

At first I jump into my old habits of disclosing any and all of myself. Either one of two things will happen. They’ll be slightly interested, albeit freaked out so I take that as a cue to tone it down OR they are just freaked out and I analyze and over analyze what I did wrong.

So, if I’m lucky to have someone slightly interested, I do what I do best…I inquire about the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves. Or if they don’t, it’s typically because others constantly talk about themselves and don’t give anyone else the chance to talk. Once others start opening up to me, I continue to inquire and ask questions and positively reinforce them.

What happens though is…I’m not disclosing anything about myself. Or the topics that I enjoy talking about (culture, personalities, humanitarian and philosophical things) are too deep or not interesting to most. So, the relationship becomes unbalanced and then when I want to talk or need to talk, even if I don’t know what the crap to talk about, that is not the dynamics of our relationship and a rift starts to take place; a rift that is either balanced (ironically) by me shutting up and making it all about them or praying and hoping to find someone that is willing to accept me, quirks and all, and willing to TRY and understand even if they don’t.

I’m at a place now where I have very few people in my life and it seems like anytime the above paragraph happens, I end up having an anxiety attack.

It feels like groundhog’s day in the realm of relationships for me.

I’m tired of the unbalanced friendships/relationships. But how do you counteract that when time after time it has been shown that people don’t want to take the time to get to know me? Time after time people don’t want to inquire about my life because it is so foreign from theirs or they don’t want to sift through the depression and sadness to see that there is life and happiness deep down inside of me (sometimes I have a hard time finding it!). OR when someone does show interest…it’s been years for me to have someone in my life that genuinely cares and now I’m distrusting or I’ve just gotten use to not talking about myself so I don’t even know what to say anymore.

That’s the biggest issue, even with my own spouse. I just don’t know what to say. And then I fear I’m too boring. And then the cycle of depression starts all over again.

So, I’ve listened a long time to others tell me I rely too much on others for my happiness. So, am I supposed to be happy when I am alone in my house….alone at my job…alone roughly 85-90% of the time? Or am I not allowing God to complete me?

Spiteful and bitter? Yes. Identity crisis and loss of self (self-worth, self-esteem, self as a whole)? Yes.

So, yes I have issues with abandonment and rejection. But I have no idea how to do the whole relationship/friendship thing anymore.

The Vulnerability of Being Real

Many things are starting to transition in my life. Or rather, I'm transitioning. It's not yet time to share all that I'm going through and have to look forward to, but it will be time soon enough.

What I can share is this:

I've started attending church again and the most amazing thing happened this past Sunday. I've started going to a new church and the guest speaker this past Sunday is a good, long-time friend of the pastor. His message was interesting but I completely related. The guest's message was about going through the traumatic event of losing his daughter. He was in the ER with her when she was in and out of life and praying for her and was then going to leave, but one of the machines in the ER trapped him in and then caused him to have PTSD.

He confessed to being on an antidepressant, antianxiety medication and a sleeping pill which are things that most people are ashamed to even mention or talk about in church.

He used a beautiful illustration of putting aluminum foil on his hand and said a lot of times Christians use an aluminum handkerchief to wipe away the tears of those grieving and hurting, but what they don't realize is that they are hurting that person more and they ultimately don't want to be touched by other's pains and traumas.

He is still going through the healing process which was a nice change to hear because a lot of times, people will give messages in church about how they've gone through something and then are already on the other side of things. It can get very discouraging especially when you're still going through the process of grief and haven't "arrived".

I'm so heart-broken for what this gentleman has gone through and continues to go through, but I could relate to almost everything he said. He explained that once he went through this trauma, people he knew and loved for years suddenly disappeared out of his life. That is what happened to me at Lee University. I started acting in ways I didn't understand and people abandoned me. He has been told by many people of faith that he doesn't have enough faith to be healed or that it just takes reading God's word. I was told the same thing. It was so nice to have someone real up there. I was just in an inpatient psych ward last July due to suicidal ideation. I've been so embarrassed and ashamed to talk to others about it. I feel like people don't believe me or just don't want to acknowledge what that means. He said he was in an inpatient psych ward about six months ago and it's sad that he felt he could be most real in there instead of in church.

I'm real. I'm emotional. I am who I am. Maybe I open myself up to being hurt so easily because of how real I am, but I've attempted to play the game of trying to keep up - trying to be what others want me to be - trying to be who I think others expect me to be for way too long...and I just can't do it any longer.

I know most people don't understand the whole TCK thing. They don't understand why I can't just be happy in the United States...my citizenship is American after all. I grew up around other Americans and was able to speak English wherever I went. But I also lived in other countries. I was immersed in the cultures of those countries. I was surrounded by other people from very different walks of life. That is a part of me and always will be. My American experience was limited to the stories from my parents and vacations in the States every summer. It's not fair to expect me to be rooted in a place and have national pride in a place that I only visited and heard stories of.

Transitions: Developing a Better Understanding of TCKs

As usual, I'm trying to process why I'm feeling low and out of sorts. When this happens, I typically sit and brood for a while - complacent and passive until I get tired of even being tired and decide to take some action. I didn't realize how much information there actually is out there about TCKs. I'm surprised because I'm only now discovering and gleaning information and it's overwhelming to realize that research on the topic has been on-going for years. It makes me feel behind, but at the same time it helps me realize that as TCKs shift with our ever changing world, there is a need for research and understanding on the topic to shift, as well.

I still find it amazing how much I relate to the majority of everything I read about TCKs. It sounds odd, but I know I'm a TCK yet it's hard to accept it sometimes due to my expectations of what I thought life would be like in the United States. I didn't have the opportunity to reframe my thoughts and expectations and wasn't prepared about repatriation. Instead of seeing a move to the States as moving to a new foreign country, I viewed as "going home"....

The issue with that thought lies in the fact that I left this (United States, passport country) place that I'm expecting to be home when I was six years old. Yes, I came back every summer, but I wasn't living here. Plus, when we came to the States in the summer, we would travel all around. You could equate that somewhat to the multiple times we went to London. We went there three times and some of the things we experienced were familiar. The same is true with the United States. We started to vacation in New Hampshire in the summers and ended up vacationing in the same location a total of 5 summers. It was familiar to come back to the same area, but I think we only rented the exact same chalet twice while all other times we were in a different chalet. So, even with that experience I didn't consider it home.

I'm trying to learn not to ask "why" so much anymore. It's very natural for me to want to ask "why did I call coming to the United states going back home," but the more I question things the more unraveled and confused I feel.

Reading this article about reentry, it makes so much sense when this adolescent repatriate gave the following advice: "Repatriating adolescents [or even adults] be advised to treat their "home" country as a foreign country. After all, he explained, once you have moved abroad you have learned how to deal with ambiguity and confusing cultural patterns. It is living at "home," where you are supposed to know how everything works, that is hard."

Part of me still wants to help repatriating TCKs and even international students as they come into the United States and are trying to get acclimated with a new culture. That's the reason I chose Higher Education to go into. But I question myself. I question if I would even be able to help them because I feel so behind in my own understanding and knowledge of TCK information. It sounds silly. I know we can't know everything right away - that's the point of learning and growing. I just feel like there is still so much growth that I need to do and I'm tired.

I found this other website and it's a great source of information for TCK students transitioning to American college life. It gives a great list of resources and even explains some things that TCKs deal with, how they interact with others, benefits and hardships, and then some potential activities/events to get TCKs involved in campus life.

I'm still learning so much. It's a painful growing period. It's relieving to find this information, hard to accept that I feel some of my pain could have been prevented, exciting because I want to learn more, grow as a person and professional, and aid others in their experiences transitioning.

TCK = Eclectic

I've been listening to a lot of eclectic music on Pandora lately. I usually pick something that fits my mood for the day. Been listening to a lot of jazz and experimental/avant-garde and I happened upon a musician who's music is definitely unique. So, I looked him up and I found a quote by him that just struck a chord (no pun intended)!!

"I'm an additive person - the entire storehouse of my knowledge informs everything I do. People are so obsessed with the surface that they can't see the connections, but they are there." ~ John Zorn

Aren't we all like that, especially us TCKs??? We take from every place, every culture we've lived in and added bits and pieces to our storehouse which then informs and molds us into the people we are today.

We are all eclectic in one form or another, but much more so as a TCK. We've been immersed and pulled from many different cultures and just like the picture below, things that might not seem to mesh or belong together end up becoming a beautiful piece of artwork <3.

I'm going to start seeing myself as such. An eclectic, abstract piece of artwork :)

P.S. - even if you're not a huge jazz fan, you should totally check out Strunz & Farrah. Jorge Strunz grew up as a diplomat's kid and hails from Costa Rica. Ardeshir Farah is originally from Iran and the two met up and fused their native land's cultural musical styles together and they are AWESOME. Plus I like it because the two places I grew up were in the Middle East and Portugal (which has Latin roots) so it makes me feel nostalgic, too.

TCK Research on Belonging - I am Nothing and I am Everything

A professor at YSU does research in the area of TCKs. I found her article that she co-wrote. The article is very interesting and resonates substantially with what I've personally gone through. The article discusses that due to growing up the way we have, TCKs view social interaction and friendships as a core element to belonging rather than through cultural or geographical roots. The researchers did a study with 6 various TCKs to determine how they construct friendships.

Their research finds four distinct themes in coping and forming friendships: 1. a sense of restlessness: feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a circular hole (hmm sound familiar);2. a desire for stimulation: being half-way there; 3. Coping strategies to compensate or manage a lack of friendship: filling the void; 4. Multiple identities and multiculturalism: being chameleon-like.

Here is a collection of quotes from the article that resonated with me personally:

"It is possible that because many TCKs attended international schools prior to college, they face challenges in interacting with classmates who have not experienced transitional exposure" (Choi & Luke, 2011, p. 49)

"The TCKs described having a hard time feeling understood by the non-TCKs around them" (p. 53)

"Experiencing a feeling of being misunderstood, undervalued, and culturally out of place" (p. 53)

"How thrilled and exhilarated it felt to be in a new environment" "A strong desire and initiative to meet new people"(p. 53) (DEFINITELY!!!!!!!)

"Most of the TCK participants acknowledged difficult in forming meaningful friendships in their current environment. Loneliness, depression, and anxiety were common psychological symptoms experience by the participants, and these were often attributed to their lack of social and cultural connections" (p. 54)

"The TCK participants described developing multiple identities that they used to blend in and adjust to their frequently changing environment or situation" "Playing different roles is really interesting because it makes you really ask yourself, Who are you? Are you really shy?....I am nothing and I am everything." (p.55)

"All TCKs discussed valuing open-mindedness, multicultural experiences, and shared worldviews in their friends over individual characteristics such as age, race, and/or gender." (p.55)

"Upon transition to a university in the U.S., TCKs described experiencing difficulty in adjusting to the local cultural norms." (p.56)

Click on this link and then find the title "A phenomenological approach to understanding early adult friendships of third culture kids" to read the entire article. Just click on download and it will open the article up in a pdf. I'm interested to hear if this resonates with other TCKs and for non-TCKs, does this shed some additional light for you??

Out of Step

I've always been one that enjoys change. I like newness and something to look forward to. Some people are really scared of change. I admit, lots of change in a little amount of time can be incredibly overwhelming. I think I did well with change when I was younger because I had constants in my life - my family unit and my religious beliefs.

Since coming back to my passport country, I've questioned both of my constants. It's natural to progress away from your original family unit and it's healthy to question why you believe what you believe. It's all a part of growing and maturing. I didn't realize how important those two components were, though. I continually search to have the life I use to have when I lived abroad and I just don't think that's going to happen. I relied heavily on my constants to keep me afloat when things in my life changed. So much of my identity was wrapped up in who my parents and friends saw and thought of me. Now that I'm not around them, I feel peeled away and vulnerable and I especially feel like I'm not grounded at all.

I think the reason I've had a difficult and prolonged time transitioning is because I didn't have time to truly dissect why I was going through all the anxiety and fear when I was first diagnosed with PMDD. I was in the midst of the depression and I was just trying to survive.

Depression causes you to withdraw and push everyone away. I've moved multiple times since living in the States and in doing that, I've nixed a lot of opportunities to have a support system. I still have support - it's just the people I care most about are scattered all over the place.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching, like I usually do, and I've tried to remember what makes me happy. I'm happy when I'm helping others. I'm happy when I have newness and something to look forward to in my life. My issue, though, is I'm expecting for others to understand and accept me now - the depressed, scared, vulnerable, identity-less me. I've been looking for someone to seek me out and help me. And that just isn't happening.

Previously, I refused to become a chameleon because I felt I wasn't being true to myself. I use to be really good at being a chameleon. That's how I fit wherever I went. That's how I fit when I met new people. It's a great TCK trait. But for whatever reason, I thought that trait was a negative. The question that keeps popping up in my mind is - if it was such a bad trait, then why did I have so many friends? Since I'm not using that technique anymore, I have little to no friends. Makes a person think....

As stated previously, growing up, I was incredibly reliant on my family and friends to help mold my identity. I don't see that as a bad thing, if anything the community I lived in was incredibly collectivistic. Now, living in an individualist society, it's hard to fit in anywhere. Everyone already has their family and friends. It's difficult to make new friends when you live in a place where nobody ever really moves. I'm trying, though.

I often feel like these fish. I exist in the world with other people, but it's like I live in an entirely different bowl, looking and longing to "be" in the same bowl as others.

I guess where I'm at now is trying to decide if I want to continue to feel disconnected from my current state of being or if I want to do what I need to do to jive with the society I'm in. I'm realizing more and more that my issues with PMDD and being a TCK are connected. I'm trying really hard to find ways to flourish and truly live life instead of just surviving and constantly feeling out of step with everyone else. What do you do to help yourself not feel so out of step? Or do you ever feel out of step with others?

The Searching 'Hidden Immigrant'

While reading this article, of course I relate to what all the different people are saying. However, I still do tell people I grew up abroad. It’s become less and less of an occurrence because just like Downer in the article, people can’t relate to it unless they’ve lived a similar lifestyle, but I still cling to that because I truly believe it’s one piece of my identity that I refuse to let go of regardless if people can understand it or not.

Although I don’t like competition and I don’t like the premise of “selling” oneself when in an interview, I make sure to always let the interviewees know that particular aspect of me. I think it makes me unique and sets me apart from others. That’s the one thing I know sets me apart and my experience with it have been less than positive. It sets me apart in the sense that I have a different, world-view. But it also sets me apart in the sense that I cannot always connect with my peers and fellow Americans.

Libby Stephens discusses several stages a TCK goes through when repatriating back to their passport country. These are the potential pitfalls when in the third stage, called the “Hidden Immigrant” stage.

Potential pitfalls during the Hidden Immigrant stage:

1. Deep loneliness
2. Being trapped in the past
3. Overly critical of the passport country
4. Habitual anger and bitterness
5. Depression

I definitely have been in the “Hidden Immigrant” stage that Libby Stephens discusses, for several years. I would hope most people learn to adjust and move forward with their lives, but my adjustment here to the States involved doing it on my own. I didn’t have support of family. I didn’t have mentors who were knowledgeable in my experiences abroad. Now that it has been several years since I’ve been back to the States, I’m assuming most people wonder why I haven’t gotten over that initial reverse culture shock. And I’m wondering that too.

I was accustomed to community and a small, intimate living area where people genuinely cared about each other and the well-being of what was going on with each other. I felt loved and supported and could flourish.

Here, though, I feel like just another floating face in the sea of society with no real purpose or no real connections. Even though I’ve lived in Ohio for the past four years, I don’t have much to account for it. No sense of community. No sense of family. No sense of belonging.

I have to ask myself, what am I doing to contribute to this??

When I first moved to the States, and went to Lee University, I definitely realized quick I didn’t fit in and I was able to use my awesome TCK skills and become a chameleon to fit in. But something snapped inside of me when my parents left the Azores. I could no longer pretend. I could no longer put my feelings aside and stuff them away. I think I try to continue to do that fearing that people just won’t understand and will reject me.

I threw off all masks. I threw off all pretenses. I threw off anything that wasn’t the real me. And what I was left with was a scared, insecure, very vulnerable person feeling overwhelmed in a country – in a society where most people have made their roots and homes.

So, do I go back to my chameleon ways and mold to what I think people want me to be so I can fit in? Or do I continue to struggle, looking and searching for my identity and doing it alone?

"They know not the side of me that belongs across the sea.
They only know what the eye can see; the American inside of me.
And yet this American is tainted, stained, infused
With the chaos, the wonders, the essence of her other home."

~Alexandra Bangalore, India Sept. 2008

Internationalization in American Universities

The struggles I faced with repatriation into the United States just strengthen my passion to go into international education and promote the need for internationalization in our higher institutions and then hopefully within our communities.

According to a couple of articles I’ve read, internationalization in higher ed is seen as a positive. However, not many educators can provide a substantial amount of data to support WHY it is so positive. The International Association of Universities (IAU) releases an annual report called the Global Survey Report on Internationalization in Higher Education. From their most current report released, the following have been noted as the top reasons or the importance for internationalization.

“Worldwide, the top five reasons for internationalizing an institution are, in order of importance, to improve student preparedness; internationalize the curriculum; enhance the international profile of the institution; strengthen research and knowledge production; and diversify its faculty and staff.”

Maybe I’m a wee bit bias and I haven’t been in the industry that long, but I get rather annoyed that higher education loves the idea of diversity. They love the idea of bringing in as many international students as possible. But why? I don’t see the reasoning behind American institutions desire for international students beyond the want to build up their industry. More international students = more money for the institution. In his article “Wanted: Foreign Students,”Schacter (2007) explains that “These students and their families contribute more than $13 billion a year to the American economy, much of it in the form of tuition“. If I felt institutions wanted to promote diversity for the sake of internationalization and not JUST because monies from foreign students bring in big bucks for the economy, I wouldn’t have such an issue.

So…here is my own personal reasoning for the importance of internationalization.

It is in all of our best interest to recognize that our world is becoming smaller. No, not smaller in the sense that there are less people on the surface of the earth, but smaller in the fact that our communication abilities are faster and increasingly globalized. I get that I grew up overseas, but I NEVER thought I would hear from or speak to the majority of my international friends again once I moved state-side. Facebook has opened a door of communication and allowed me to keep in contact with my childhood friends who are now spread far and wide across the world!

Due to the fact that our world is becoming smaller, and the fact that all cultures share one thing in common – this earth – why wouldn’t it be in our best interest to learn to interact with those from around the world? Why wouldn’t it be in our best interest to open our minds to differences?

This is where being a TCK has given me bounds and leaps of opportunities to interact, learn to understand, and appreciate differences across the nations. I am still learning and I hope to never stop learning!! I love the idea of internationalization. I just hope American universities want to incorporate their idea for the right reasons and not just for monetary gains. It will take time and it will take effort. I hope to become part of the learning process for these universities, though.

Cathartic Realizations

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching as of late. This is something I do a lot, but I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere – that I’m getting some answers – that things are beginning to click.

I’ve been participating in a research study about TCKs and their college experience and it has shed so much light for me. Answering the questions brings things I’ve been trying to hide from and stuff away and forget to the forefront. I had a great time at college before my parents left the Azores. Even though I didn’t interact with international students and I stuffed my abroad experiences away because my peers couldn’t relate or understand, I still was able to develop and maintain friendships.

After my parents left the Azores, life became a blur for me. I had no home anymore. I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do. I couldn’t go home. I was stuck in a country that I only considered a place to come to during the summer time. My experiences in the states consisted of traveling and little bits of TV here and there. I didn’t know what was popular. I didn’t know what was normal. I became incredibly alienated and anxiety and fear took over me.

Nobody knew that I was struggling with adjustment issues. Why would they? I had been in the states for two solid years going to school, happy as a lark (to an extent). My anger issues started arising as soon as I got to school because I had to deny big chunks of who I was.

The following are answers to some research questions I’ve been asked. My answers have been one of the most painful, yet cathartic realizations I’ve had in six years.

Explain the situation leading up to you leaving school for a while and eventually transferring. What spurred that decision? Why did you decide to leave? How did you make that decision? What did your friends, family, professors and/or advisers think? Were they supportive? Did you experience feelings of restlessness leading up to that decision? Even after leaving school and then re-enrolling, did you experience restlessness? What made you decide to return?

This was a very difficult time for me and something I’m still trying to overcome to this day. My parents left the Azores the summer before my junior year. It wasn’t until I went to visit them at Christmas time that things started to sink in for me. Germany, where my parents now live, was not my home. I didn’t have a home. I didn’t know where I was from. Every other summer and/or Christmas I would go home and then we would come back to the states to spend time together. I still had a place to go back to that was familiar and safe.

After the Christmas break, I started having a lot of anger issues. By the end of the semester, I ended up having a complete meltdown. Neither I, nor my parents understood what was going on. They switched my plane ticket to come “home” to Germany sooner than I was supposed to. They took me to see a doctor on the military base who diagnosed me with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) since it seemed these anger issues and mood swings arose the week before menses. I was put on a mild antidepressant to help alleviate the symptoms. During the summer, my boyfriend broke up with me after being together for two years and I started having an incredibly difficult time functioning in school. I slept all the time. I missed classes. I asked my doctor to switch my medication because I couldn’t function in school. This is when I switched my major to a double major in music and psychology.

The winter semester of 2006 is quite a blur to me. I started having anxiety attacks all the time. I was switching medicines every couple of months. I was in and out of the ER 10 times alone that year. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and my family was so far away. My peers began to be frightened of me and started claiming I was demon possessed. My advisor and professors I looked up to came down on me with tough love. They stated that it only took a couple of minutes to pray and read my bible. They claimed if I had enough faith, then I would be healed. That didn’t help to feel safe or to feel I had support. I started to feel that there was something very wrong with me. My peers began to withdraw from me and I began to withdraw from them. I finished out the semester with good grades, although I have no idea how. I took the summer off and went to visit my new boyfriend’s family (now my husband) up in Ohio. I tried to begin the fall semester, but I was so embarrassed and still not functioning well that I ended up withdrawing in October 2006. I had obtained a part time job at a bank and decided to work full time while I tried to get things figured out. I attempted to start school again in January 2007, but withdrew after only a couple of days. I didn’t feel like I fit in at all anymore. .

My husband and I got married July 2007 and, again, I had planned to return to school because it was important to me to finish my education. I decided since my family was so far away, it would be better to move to Ohio to be close to his family. We moved up to Ohio in January 2008. I actually enrolled in Regent University’s psychology program online, but I wanted to be around people. So, I didn’t even stay for a total of two weeks before withdrawing. I was working as a teller and my trainer was talking about Hiram’s Weekend College. I remember two of my good friends from high school going to Hiram College, so I looked into it.

What do you think it was about your parents leaving the Azores that triggered such a deep emotional response?

It was my home. It was a place of safety and a place I identified as part of me. I was able to go home my first two years of college. I flew back home for Christmas and at the beginning of the summer time because school always let out earlier for me than it did for my parents. I all of a sudden didn’t feel safe and I didn’t know where I belonged. It was a scary experience.

Do you know if any of the personnel that worked with you through your depression have any experience dealing with Third Culture Kids?

None of them had any experience. I was diagnosed with a lot of different things from PTSD to having cluster headaches to being Bipolar NOS to having Major Depression to having a Mood Disorder NOS. Nobody took into account the way I grew up. I remember working with one counselor who claimed the way I grew up wasn’t reality. That really messed with my head, to say the least! Needless to say, I don’t seek out many professionals to help me anymore. I’ve had a lot more success researching on my own even though it’s probably taken longer. The doctor I am working with now is married to a German lady and is the first one to tell me that part of my issues stem from the way that I grew up.

Do you think the way that your professors (and/or friends) treated you with "tough love" was helpful or hurtful to you in your situation? Did anyone tell you there wasn't anything wrong with you or that you were just struggling with adjustment/transition?

It was absolutely hurtful. I felt lost and confused and by not having anyone that seemed to want to care really pushed me into isolation. Nobody told me anything of the sort. Nobody had a clue that I was struggling with adjustment/transition. I didn’t even realize it.

So, here I am six years later after all this mess happened. Finally able to face what actually happened to me. Finally able to look back and realize the majority of the poems I write about consist of loneliness, hurt, sadness, alienation…all the things I’ve been feeling and experiencing since this traumatic event.

Now I begin to wonder…do I have a Mood Disorder? Do I have PMDD? Will all the pain and anger I've been carrying around magically disappear or will it continue to haunt me? Or have I just been waiting for someone to tell me that there is nothing wrong with me…I just had a difficult time adjusting? I think I still do have PMDD because I had a difficult time with that in high school, but it became much worse after this stressful event. At this point, I don’t know. I guess only time will tell.

Searching

I look in the mirror and I see this bubbly girl smiling back at me. But I don’t recognize her.

Because on the inside…I don’t feel bubbly. I feel lost and confused. I feel angry.

Some days I wake up, excited to see what the day has in store. Other days I wonder what the point is. I grumble all the way into work trying to psych myself up. Trying to make myself believe that something is going to worth it….eventually.

Very little excites me. Or if it does, it doesn’t capture my attention for very long before I’m bored and uninterested. I enjoy making crafts and when a spark of creativity happens to appear in my mind, I enjoy crafting a mini masterpiece. Other times, I look and search for ideas and nothing sparks my interest or I feel defeated thinking, it’s already been done who cares if I make another one.

I’ve been participating in a TCK research study and I’m learning a lot about myself. Stuff that makes me wonder how I didn’t see or realize these things before. My depression and anger came about when my parents left the Azores. It just got worse from there. And the last several years have been trying to regain myself….regain the life that I lost due to having a mental break down.

I hate being weak. I hate being insecure. I hate all these feelings I’m feeling.

I’m angry right now and I have no idea why. I could try and guess, but nothing is coming to the forefront. And then I wonder, am I going to be like this the rest of my life? Just merely trying to exist and hoping the next day will be better than today?

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting it. Like I’m striving towards forgiveness and gratefulness. Striving towards peace and fulfillment. And then days like today creep upon me and it seems like it’s out of the blue.

I feel like I have no life and no family. No community. No real connections with anyone. When I stop trying to maintain what little I have, it all disappears. Sigh. It all becomes so draining.

10-Year Grieving Process

I never cried when it seemed appropriate. I didn’t cry when I left Bahrain. I didn’t cry when I left the Azores. In fact, I was relieved because I had a very bad couple of experiences on my way back to the island for the last time. Maybe it was a way to help me through the process. If I was mad that would cover up the sadness. That’s often how my depression shows its face – through anger.

I’ve only been to a handful of funerals in my time and I don’t know how to grieve. I think that’s one reason why I have such emotional outburst during PMDD. It has to come out sometime and I’ve been harboring a lot of pain, a lot of emotion for quite a long time.

I have been trying to survive for so long. I have been trying to stay afloat and not drown in the seemingly endless amounts of emotions that overtake me month after month. Now that I’m not in survival mode anymore, I’m beginning to find out who I am again…or rather, who I am now. Our past will always be a part of us, but I don’t want to stay stagnant in the same place forever. I don’t want to sit wishing upon wishes that my life could be the way it used to be because by doing that I’m missing out on so much that is going on right now.

I’m grateful for the experiences and the life I’ve had. I’m so blessed to have grown up overseas and met the awesome people I have. I have so much more to look forward to.

I’m not slow and I’m not dumb, but it has taken me 10 years to recognize that I had a difficult time acclimating back to the United States, my passport county. It has taken me a long time to realize that I have been lonely and upset because I lost people that I considered close to me. I’ve grown distant. I’ve shut myself off. I use to be a very touchy-feely person. Always giving hugs and cuddling with my roommates. We need that from each other. We need each other. People need people. My faith has been tested big time, but I’m still growing. I’m still adapting. I’m still learning. I’m still sensitive. I’m just a heck of a lot more knowledgeable now and not groping for answers in the dark. This awareness won’t necessarily enable others to “get it”, but that’s ok. I’m beginning to have confidence in me. I’m beginning to heal. I’m beginning to live my life the way I was intended to.

I will still have bad days, I guarantee it. I will still have days that I cry and it may seem like for no reason…but deep down I’ll understand that it’s probably for multiple reasons.

I’m grateful for my tears because my body needs a release. I’m grateful for my pain because it’s validation that the life I lived was real…that I am real….that I feel and exist. I’m grateful for my experiences because they are making me into the person that I am. I'm grateful for the grieving process, no matter how long it takes....and it takes everyone a different amount of time and down a different path.

I feel like I'm finally ready to begin living my life.

Seven With a Line Through It...

I write my sevens with a line through the middle of it. Like so…

I never once thought about why I do that or that anything was wrong with it until I became a bank teller.

When I was a bank teller in TN, a lot of older people liked for their registers to be balanced. As I was kindly doing so for an older lady, she abruptly stopped me when she saw the way I had written my seven. “What is that?” she snarled. I was confused and it could be heard in my reply.

“It’s the number seven, ma’am.”

“No it’s not. Why are you writing it like that??”

“Because I lived overseas and that’s the way I learned to write it”

“Well, you’re in America now and that’s not proper.”

I’m sure you can imagine how her answer made my blood boil. Why isn’t it proper? Because most Americans don’t write their sevens that way? At the time I wasn’t sure why I was so upset, but I couldn’t show it for several reasons. 1. I was conducting business and in customer service, the customer is always right. 2. I wasn’t exactly sure why I was so upset.

So, here I am, six years later thinking about that incident. Why was I so upset?

Because I was expected to be one way and that’s not fair. Because I look American, I speak English like Americans, but other than those traits I have experiences that contribute to my being that have made my story unique. As a child, I picked up things my classmates and friends did from their own culture and incorporated it into my own life without even realizing it. It wasn’t until this lady pointed out so brutally that I was wrong for writing my number the way I did. It’s so simple. Why not just change and write it without the line through it? Because that’s not who I am.

I made a terrible mistake, unbeknownst to me at the time, when I moved back the states. I so desperately wanted to be a part of the American culture and wanted to fit in. So, naturally I tried to become like the fellow Americans around me. However, my expectations were sorely disappointed.

Growing up, specifically in the Azores, people came in and out of my life on a consist basis. Every year and a half to two years people were going as often as they were coming. I loved meeting new friends and that excitement overshadowed the loss of saying goodbye to old friends. Living this way constituted the need to welcome people into your group. To be open. To be social and to quickly get to know each other because you didn’t have much time together. This was my norm.

Due to this being the norm, I expected people to welcome me with open arms when I went to college, but that wasn’t the case. The majority of them came from big church groups together. Or if they didn’t come from the same state, they had gone to church camp for years upon years and knew each other or at least people knew who their parents were in the church.

Ok, no big deal. Church people are loving and accepting, right? Just because they have the label “Christian” didn’t make them loving and accepting. They were teenagers set free to explore the world on their own without mom and dad hovering over them. All the girls looked the same to me. Wearing heels and tons of makeup…even to their 8 a.m. classes. I rolled out of bed with my PJ's on with barely enough time to brush my hair and run to the dining room to grab some food.

People took an interest in me when it benefited them. At my first college, we all had to participate in a global experience before we could graduate. I loved the concept! Obviously, I didn’t need to since I was practically an international student. (I even had to pack up my stuff and put it in the dungeon with the rest of the international kids’ stuff when I went home for the summer. ) Classmates were suddenly coming out of the woodwork to ask me questions for their paper about how international students view the world. I was an easy target. “You lived overseas, right Megan?” So, you’re practically an international student. I was so excited that people began to realize who I was and where I came from, but it was very short lived. They were only interested long enough to complete their paper. And that only occurred in my freshman year. By the time I was in my sophomore and junior years, people had forgotten where I came from and I contributed to that lack of information.

I became very good at focusing on other people. I became very good at learning other people’s stories and who they were – what they were all about. While doing this, I slowly began to forget who I was and my own story.

So, yesterday, I started to write the date the way Europeans do. Date first, followed by month, and lastly the year. I haven’t done that since I was in the fourth or fifth grade. I’ve also started to have dreams. Dreams about my past. Pieces of a puzzle that I thought I had forgotten. I understand not everyone or most people don’t talk about cultural things. They just exist in it, but this is who I am. I write my sevens with a line through it and I’m not wrong for doing that.

Serve

I'm not feeling well today. I feel like so much of me...who I was doesn't exist anymore. I say that I'm not from the states, yet I don't feel cultural at all nor do I feel American. It's like I exist in this in between stage - this limbo.

I do get tired of the depressed feelings. I do get tired of not being able to maintain the happiness that happens to befall upon me.

I'm bored and I'm restless. I need a change. I've been going to school for way too long. I've been feeling "stuck" for way too long and it's sucking what little bit of life there is left out of me.

My goal is to genuinely try to focus on others. To genuinely listen and take in what others are saying either verbally or non-verbally. I want to get the most out of my experiences rather than continue to wait around for things to change because by doing that, I'm letting this short life slip away day by day, moment by moment.

My goal is to genuinely pour out love to others in ways that they need - not in ways that I need. I've often heard that by giving to others, it helps one become less focused on self and feel a greater purpose. I'm ready for my greater purpose and if all it is is to give others a smile or a hug, I'm ready.


Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. ~ Philippians 2:3-4

Developmental Change

For so long, I’ve viewed being a TCK – someone with no roots – as a negative, when in fact there are a lot of positive attributes associated with my ability to be flexible, malleable, pliable.
Society has a tendency to look at something and/or someone and label them with one name. The “naughty boy,” the “happy couple, the” alcoholic,” the ”emotional girl,” etc. When we do that, it connotes stagnation; it doesn’t imply the ability to ever learn from our past mistakes or change.

Being a TCK has allotted me the opportunity to interact with people from a multitude of different cultures. I’m talking cultures from different countries, but also cultural differences within one country. Culture can even be described as the differences between men and women.

I would like to pride myself on being someone who is at a stage in development and someone who is always willing and able to mold, shift, change, become, and thrive with whatever the world throws at me. I’ve been so focused on not fitting in and meshing with the American culture that I’ve been blinded to the positivity growing up overseas has given me.

From now on, I will try to see people for who they are: living, changing, ever-growing human beings. We all have the chance and opportunity to learn from our past and become who we want to be and for that, I’m truly grateful to be a TCK; to allow myself to developmentally change and blossom.