Resistance to Only Accepting One Culture

I was watching one of my favorite new shows the other day, Pan Am. The particular episode I watched entailed the crew flying a charter flight full of reporters to Berlin because President Kennedy was giving a speech. P.S. The show takes place in the 1960's. One of the stewardesses is of French nationality. In this episode, you find out that she is very bitter against the Germans because the Nazi's killed her family when she was little.

What I took away from that episode is that I don't have much national pride towards the United States, my passport country. Please understand that I'm not saying I hate America, I'm just stating that being a TCK has thwarted me from feeling a sense of nationality towards any one country.

We would come back to the States every summer to visit. So, this country was viewed as vacation time - as family time - as relaxing time. I use to dream about what it would be like to live in the different cities and towns we passed through. I would peer out the van window (because we always rented a van to travel cross the states) and dream up lovely stories about life in the United States. These dreams and stories became enhanced as I listened to the stories my parents would tell about their childhood in the US....but they were just that to me. Stories. I don't remember much of my childhood before we left to live abroad. I was only six-years old when we left. Vacation time was filled with shopping and fast food restaurants and the Disney channel - all the things we couldn't get living in our remote homes.

Because we came back to the States in the summer time, we would always end up watching the 4th of July fireworks. I loved the colors and the ones that sizzled. HATED the ones that just exploded like a bombs. I would always cover my ears and wait for the pretty ones to soar back into the air!


Just like the dreams and idealistic stories I made up in my head about living in the US, watching the fireworks was pretty much the same thing to me. I don't know many kids (young kids) that truly understand the importance of why fireworks are lit on the 4th of July. I was one of those kids. It was just like any other piece of history I had been dragged along to see (yes, sorry that was my interpretation of all our historical visits).

We went to London three different times. We went to West Minister Abby and saw where all these famous people had been buried. I was surrounded by rich history. We went to the Tower of London and the thing that sticks out in my mind are the stakes that lined the walkways, stained in blood from the many heads shoved onto them after being chopped off so the crows could eat it....BLECH!

It was like I was walking amongst a real-life story, but none of it seemed real to me. It seemed like I was always watching, but never fully partaking; always an outsider observing the mannerisms, ways, and behaviors of others even at such a young age.

I don't partake in politics because, just like the fireworks, I didn't think it pertained to me. We had the news on in our house a lot in Bahrain 1. Because we were limited to the channels we had and 2. Because we moved over there right before the Gulf War started. Now that I live in the US, I still don't partake in politics and don't get why the nation as a whole is consumed with it. That's just my opinion.

I don't partake in sports and find it silly that Americans get so into and hardcore about sports. Sure, Europeans were big into football (soccer). Sure, the Portuguese loved their bull fights and letting the bulls run.

I think I become apprehensive and resistant to accepting "American Culture" because I'm expected to accept it as my sole culture and that's not who I am. I want to be able to observe and watch from afar, but I can't really do that now as a citizen. I'm expected to share the same national sense and pride....but I just don't. I haven't changed the way I do things. I've always watched from afar and participated when I felt like I could, but never fully immersed myself into any one culture because I wasn't part of that culture. Now that I am back "home," I'm looked at as strange because I don't dive right in.




I wonder if I ever will - or if I'll continually watch from the sidelines, taking it all in?

Looks Can Be Deceiving

It’s a fact, the first thing we notice about others is their race. We naturally look at others to see commonalities or differences. This was a survival mechanism utilized by our ancestors. Think about it. You’re in a tribe and you see someone coming at you that doesn’t look like you – what do they want? Are they friend or foe? Are they there to pillage your village and take away all your women and children, or are they there to offer a friendly hand and expand the community?

Even though we don’t live in caveman or tribal times, it is still a natural instinct to recognize and be aware of others that don’t look like we do. There has been a lot of movement in the past several decades to raise awareness of cultural differences and introduce diversity into our societies.

What about TCKs, though? What about people that come from a particular place, but have integrated other cultures into their identity? How do we recognize and interact with them?

I’ve said this many times, but I’ll say it again. I was born American, I look American, I sound like an American…but that’s about the extent of my “American-ness”. If you talk with me long enough, you’ll learn that although I “sound” American in my dialect, the words that come out of my mouth aren’t your typical American-lingo.

So, although looks are a natural reaction for our minds to think “Oh, they’re different from us – go into diversity appreciation mode”…it might be a heck of a lot more beneficial for someone to stop, listen, and hear what a person has to say. You can learn a lot about a person in just a couple of minutes of conversation, but it takes active listening skills and the desire to want to understand who that other person is.

Looks aren’t the only thing that is important – in fact, looks can be deceiving. Adhere to the old adage; don’t judge a book by its cover. Snuggle up on the couch, get comfortable, read into the book for a while before making a judgment about who or what a person is or what they have to attribute to the world.

The Misfit

I am a square peg being forced into a round hole. Guess what? I don't fit. Maybe if I turn just right, I can get an edge through. That is how my life feels. It feels like I twist and turn and am forced by society's standards to fit through this round hole. But no matter how many ways I'm twisted and forced to conform, my shape - the essence of who I am - cannot be changed.


That edge that I can fit through, it is like the tip of an iceberg in a round about way in this society's world.

Being a TCK, this analogy is best way I can describe how I fit into my passport culture...or rather, how only a teeny tiny part of me fits.

You know that other analogy about how life is compared to a play and we're all actors playing different roles at different times in our lives? I would like to take the same concept and modify it using an analogy of shoes.

There are some shoes that are appropriate for certain situations and not for others. Or the shoes that are super cute, but incredibly uncomfortable.

I equate these shoes to the roles we play in life. It's hard to find a pair that fits just right, but when we do find those magical shoes we don't ever want to take them off.

Flip flops are my magical shoes. I would wear them every day if I could. They do not create blisters on my heels. They can easily be put on or taken off. I feel free to be me. However, I can't wear flip flops in certain social settings. I'm forced to put on heels or other uncomfortable shoes to fit that standard.


What happens in life when we are forced to wear uncomfortable shoes that don't fit all of the time? Physical pain. I was walking in a pair of shoes the other day and I was in such pain that it caused me to change the way I walked. How often has this happened in our lives? We've been forced to be a certain way and succumb to what society expects us to be.


There are times that we are free to wear the shoes that identify us for who we are. We are comfortable and we will wear those shoes as long as we possibly can. But shoes can and will get worn out - there are times in our lives that we have to move on. We'll have to buy new shoes and either deal with the uncomfortableness until the pain is unbearable or keep searching for a new pair of shoes to break in.


I use to have a pair of shoes - a time in my life - when I was happy, carefree, and just me. My surroundings changed, though. My friends changed. My life changed drastically and my favorite pair of "shoes" were gone. All the "shoes" and roles I've been trying to fit into lately are a misfit. They are painful or just not appropriate for the occasion. I'm trying to find a new pair that will fit where I'm at right now. I've been walking around way too long in a pair that is incredibly uncomfortable. I'm tired of trying to conform to who and what society wants me to be. I'm tired of trying to wear shoes that change the way I walk, change the way I act. I want another pair of magical flip flops for this time of my life! What kind of shoes have you been walking around in? What are your magic shoes?

Flourish in the Desert

I feel like I'm being swallowed up by the same feeling time and time again - that feeling is called loneliness. I can't shake it. I can't wipe it off. Everywhere I turn, it's blaring me in the face reminding me that I'm on my own; that I have to fight this battle on my own.

How do you grow when you have no roots, nothing to support you? How do you sustain life when you feel so thirsty all the time?

I feel screwed. When you're a child, that is when you develop your roots. That is when you build lifelong relationships. I'm so lost and confused about my roots...or lack thereof. I'm so confused about who I am and what I'm supposed to do.

I don't even feel like I have family. I feel my family has turned their backs on me because I'm not getting better. Are my expectations too high? My friends all live in different parts of the world and have moved forward with their lives...they've made new lives for themselves. I want to do the same, but I just don't know how. I've gone so far in the other direction that I wouldn't even know how to begin to start anew. I wouldn't even know how to mend the brokenness.

I don't know how to fit in. I've lost my chameleon flair that TCKs are so good at. I don't see the point of trying to be someone you're not. There is such irony in that statement, though because I know who I'm not, but I don't know who I am.

I want to be like this tree.

[Tree of Life, Bahrain]

This is the "Tree of Life" in Bahrain. I loved going to visit this tree as a child. I was fascinated by its beauty and its vast expanding roots. Yet, it grew all alone in the desert with little to no other vegetation around! Despite the harsh conditions that surround it, the Tree of Life is a type of tree with one of the deepest known root systems.

I feel like the tree in the sense that I am surrounded by barrenness; surrounded by emptiness. But that is a problem with my perception. Sometimes I become jaded by life's harsh realities instead of digging deeper and recognizing the life that is bubbling inside. I forget the positive. I forget the beauty.

But I want to dig deep and have roots that search out truth and life. I want to cling tight to nourishment everlasting. I want to find a stream of living water. I want to hold up regardless of what conditions and/or situations are going on around me. I want to bloom. I want to grow wherever I'm planted. I want to flourish in the desert.

Life is a Competition...and I'm Not Playing!

It's true and I've seen it so much lately. All of life is a game - a competition - and I'm not playing. In fact, I don't WANT to play. I'm not competitive and I never have been. I don't see the point. People tripping over themselves and talking over others all to be heard; all to be the best. I'm not the best at anything! Actually, I take that back. I'm the best at being me and that's all I've got.

I would much rather get to know others for who they are, not what awards they've accomplished or how many friends they have or how popular they are or how great they spout off they are. Greatness comes in many packages. To me, greatness is shown by the love and compassion you have for other human beings. Do you just walk by when someone is in need of a listening ear or a helpful hand? Do you ignore their cries for help? Do you put yourself first above everyone else?

Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way, but I'm not out there tooting my horn about everything I've done...oh but I could. I've been to 18 countries. Star for me! I was co-valedictorian. Star for me! I went to honor band 2 years in a row and sat first chair clarinet all throughout high school. More stars for me!

Yes, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but does it make me a better then the next person? I honestly don't think so! I don't need to tell the whole world about it and I hate trying to play the "keep up" game. We all want to be liked, loved, and accepted. It's human nature. My suggestion is, stop talking so much about yourself and maybe you'll learn a thing or two about someone else. God gave us TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason, but it seems our ears are stuffed with cotton and our mouths are rambling on and on.

I recently watched a movie called "The Joneses" and it was about selling a lifestyle that everyone wanted. It dealt with our consumerist society and how easy it is to get people drooling over things. It made me sad. American society is so drenched in consumerism that we would give anything and everything to keep up with the best of the best; to have the best of the best and this is why I feel we communicate the way we do. We communicate in competition lingo. We have to sell ourselves to be the best of the best for fear that our peers won't want to "buy" what we're offering.



I can remember the crazed, overwhelming feelings I would get every time we would come back to the states. It was a shopping smorgasbord all summer long. It was very difficult to contain that urge when I came back to the states to live for good. I actually keep myself away from shopping centers as much as possible because I've been conditioned to want to buy.



Does anyone else feel like this? I've been accused over and over for over-analyzing people and situations way too much instead of enjoying the present. Does anyone else do this? Does anyone else see it this way or am I skewed? Do I see it like this because I didn't grow up in a consumerist culture?

What Game Do You Play?

I read a cross-cultural study one time that looked at the differences between Western and Eastern cultures and how they dealt with, not necessarily conflict, but how they handled a challenge they were presented with. The two groups were presented with a selection of two types of games (don’t recall what the games actually were). If a Westerner was not good at a particular game and asked if they wanted to participate in the same game the next time around, they would often decline and want to try their hand at the other game. However, if the same situation was true from the Easterner, they would in fact play the same game (that they were not so good at) time and time again.

This scenario speaks volumes to me. It shows me that Westerners are more inclined to be the best at something. If they’re not, they don’t want to face the challenge. They will move on until they find something they are good at with little to no effort, whereas the Easterners continually practice at something that they may only have a mediocre skill in at first.

This isn’t black and white stating all Westerners and Easterners are this particular way and I am in no way stating that one culture is better than the other. I just find it interesting that the majority of the culture I currently live in now want to “find something they are good at with little to no effort”. I’ve fallen into this many a time.

When the tides of opposition start lapping upon me, I either go into ostrich mode or run away altogether.

Up until recently, the thing I was most proud of was when I played my upper division my sophomore year at Lee. I never really practiced like I should have. I’m not sure if it was laziness on my part, or I would much rather be hanging out with friends than in the practice rooms tirelessly blowing through reeds, with a sore bottom lip as I practiced my clarinet. Whatever it was, I actually put in the effort for my upper division. I practiced like I had never practiced before. I cried. I was tired. I felt like I was never good enough. I was a music major and I STILL squeaked from time to time!!! But in the end – I never felt so accomplished….until recently.

I could have easily given up on my degree when I had to drop out of school the first time around. I could have said, you know what – I’m a working adult now and I’ll just work my way up in the company, but education has been instilled in me since the time I was a wee thing (probably doesn’t help that I’m the daughter of educators). There were many times I was miserable going to and from school because I hadn’t dealt with the hardships that I encountered in TN. Plus I was still dealing with PMDD, being weaned off medication, developing my new relationship with my husband, starting a home, working full time. It was not easy. But I kept at it.

There is something to be said about keeping at something - pushing forward when it seems all the odds are against you – continually striving towards a goal when others don’t support you. There will always be people out there that are better off OR worse off than us. There will always be people out there that are better OR worse at something than we are. We can only do what we are capable of, but I want to be more like my Eastern cousins who continually practice at something that they are not good at; who want to be better despite the odds against them.

Are you here to play the game even if you’re not good at it? Do you try again or do you turn to find something else that you can be good at with little effort?

Dissatisfaction is Ensuing

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.“ ~ Audre Lorde


Everything starts to mesh together. I can’t tell what is making me feel like what. If didn’t give a crap as to “why” so much, it wouldn’t really matter.

But here I am; dissatisfaction is ensuing. It’s not as hard to explain to others why this feeling exists. It is difficult, however, to accept the reality that they don’t really and truly get it. How do I know? I can see it in their eyes. I can see it in their body language. I can see it in their actual language. It’s written all over them.

I’ve been back in the US now for almost nine years. It’s been about seven that my strings have been cut from going back “home”; going back overseas on a regular basis.
And I’m becoming someone that I never thought I would be come. It’s not bitterness. No. I accept that I’m bitter and I’ll openly admit that to anyone. The truth is, I’m becoming judgmental and intolerant of the people around me. I NEVER thought I would see the day when I would become so angry and full of hatred towards those that don’t know any better.

I always tried to be understanding of people’s backgrounds. I always tried to be understanding of differences. I still accept a large majority of differences in diverse people, but I’m losing that ability to be flexible with people that look like me. People who are American like me. Perhaps I’m deflecting the actions others have shown. Or perhaps I’m so sick and tired of not being understood that now the pendulum has swung so far the other direction.

In relationships, it’s said that you cannot change another person. You only have control over you – your thoughts – your actions. So why must I constantly struggle with not feeling accepted amongst my own people. I say I’m full of anger and hatred for people that don’t “know better,” but I feel that people SHOULD know better!
Our world is becoming more globalized every single day. We can only hide our faces from the reality of this for so long. We live on one planet. We share the same space. We share the same air. No, we don’t all share the same language or same foods. No, we don’t have the same customs or traditions. But we are all human. We share the commonalities of what humans feel. We love. We hurt. We need. We know joy. We know sorrow. We know family. There are some things that make us similar! As the quote states below,though, we must learn to respect each others differences.


“In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge. We are drawn to each other because of our similarities, but it is our differences we must learn to respect.” ~ Confucius

Why Do You Do What You Do?

I like purple. Why do I like purple? My dad says its because he told me from the time I was a wee little thing that purple was my favorite color. Some might say that's manipulation. Others might use the word "conditioning". Did it work? Apparently.

I say I run late due to the polychronic cultures I grew up in. My dad says it's because of my personality.

I say I got my nose ring because of my cultural upbringing - with loving to see Indian women and their jewelry. I've heard I did it because I'm a punk kid who's trying to follow the "in" crowd of what's popular in the U.S.

So, why the heck do we do what we do? Is it because we just get up one day and decide. Or is it because important people in our lives have "conditioned" us to think and be a certain way. How do we know the difference? Can we know the difference? Do people even care why they think and believe and do what they do? Or are they just going through the motions?

Being a TCK and having interacted with many different types of people and cultures has enabled me to think outside of the box. Or perhaps its because I'm a woman and like to over-analyze. Or perhaps it's because I'm an idealist and like to think of the different possibilities.


So, why do you think you do what you do?

Grief

I wish I could rip this day - this feeling out like a page in a magazine and then crumble it up and toss it away.

I say its hard because it truly is. I want to take a day off, but I can't. I have to keep pushing through. I thought everything would be hunky dorey once I started using the progesterone cream on a regular basis and I must admit, the swings aren't as severe...but man, they're still there!

I laid in bed and just cried last night. I was finally able to cry about my losses....and I think there will be plenty more times to come like that. At first I didn't want to and I laid there with a tissue over my face trying to keep back the sobs that were welling up inside. I tried to hold it back, but then I said screw it and the tears came.

I cried for losing my home knowing I'll never be able to go back - knowing nothing will ever be the same - feeling estranged in this country but disconnected from the country I called home the longest. I cried for losing Jessica knowing how young she was and just starting her family. Knowing she had so much more to give and she would never watch her son grow up. Longing for the fun times in high school and just to talk to her again. I cried for losing my grandpa knowing that I would never hear his voice again and he would never call us "the babiessss" ever again.

Why does our society frown on grief? Why are we just supposed to get up and get over it? Because crying is a sign of weakness? That's bologna. I use to get made fun of in elementary and high school for being too emotional and I acted like a baby and I cried too easily. Screw all of that! It's healthy to cry and its healthy to let the tears wash away the pain.

Why is it so uncomfortable for others to deal with raw emotions? It's not like emotions are taboo. Every human being has the capability to show emotion and some express it a lot more freely than others. I use to express my emotions freely and then I was shunned for it because the way I was expressing myself was uncomfortable to those around me.

I cannot and will not live to appease others. If I'm doing something morally wrong by having a bad freaking day, show me how it's wrong. Show me how I'm in the wrong for hurting. Show me how I'm in the wrong for wanting something better. Don't lecture me. Don't yell at me. Don't shun me. Don't abandon me. We all can get prickly sometimes, but there is still water flowing deep within. And its OK to let it out.

White Rabbit Syndrome

I must admit, my moods have been nothing but good lately! However, I still feel rushed and tired....oh so tired! I never feel like I stay caught up. I always feel two steps behind with the rest of the world. It's like I'm perpetually in White Rabbit mode, running late no matter what I do or where I go.

I had a discussion about this with my father one time. He says its my personality, but I think it has to do with the cultures I grew up in, too - probably emphasized what was already there. Both Bahrain and the Azores are cultures that view times as polychronic not monochronic. If you go here you can look at definitions for both and see which category you fall into. Also, if you go here you will be able to read a little bit more in depth about what the differences are between polychronic and monochronic type people.

Anywho, I definitely fall into the category of polychron but live in this American culture of: must be at "x" place on time, people will be mad at you if you don't follow through with plans made, get in and get out, get the job done and make sure the door is closed when you do it, etc! UGH!! I don't operate like that at all!!! If I see someone on the side of the road on my way to work, I want the opportunity to pull over and help them without being punished because I wasn't at work on time. I know there are things that I can learn from a monochronic personality...trust me, both my parents are and I'm married to one too! However, I think there is a lot you can learn from a polychronic personality as well.


I use to feel guilty for the way that I am. For canceling plans, for ALWAYS running late, for starting one project and then getting distracted, for the looks and the disappointments. But I'm here to say that I don't find TIME to be of utmost importance. I find PEOPLE to be the most important thing in my life! I hate feeling rushed anywhere. It causes anxiety and stress like going to see the queen or something! Oh got to get to the doctors appointment right away. To do what? Sit and wait?? It's all on their time anyway. I could have been watering plants or playing with my animals or talking to a friend while I sit in the waiting room twiddling my thumbs.

The nice thing about polychronic personalities - if you can get past the stress of always running late - is that you're introduced to opportunities and people you may not have had or met if you had been so focused on the time or job at hand.

A word of advice for monochrons. Yes, I know its a pain in the tooshie to have people cancel on you all the blessed time BUT if they end up doing something with you, that means they like you! If you're annoyed that they're always running late...the more important thing to look at is they actually showed up! If they didn't want to give you their time, they wouldn't have come at all! It's just twisting your perspective a little bit.

For now, though, I must deal with the White Rabbit Syndrome in a very monochronic culture.