Friendships?

I have come to realize through talks with counselors, but mainly through self-exploration, that I have issues with abandonment and rejection…I think it’s always been there, but it has been more prominent since moving to the US and especially after what I describe as the “defining moment” of being stuck in the States with no other place to call home.

I talk more about my time in Lajes (the Azores) only because I remember it better. My peers were coming in and out every year and a half to two years because it was an Airforce Base that didn’t allot extended service in the area. I stayed for 6 years (I technically count 8 because I still considered it “home” when I went to the US to start college). During my time, I had a solid community of other teacher’s kids, but I had the excitement of new students coming in every year. I loved getting to know people. I loved the change. I was sad to see good friends go, but the sadness was overshadowed by the change.

We didn’t usually have a lot of time together, so we got to know each other quickly and deeply. You knew who you could mesh with. You knew who wanted to open up and when they did, we had a beautiful, fulfilling relationship.

From my experiences, Americans don’t open up as quickly as I’m used to…well, it depends on the setting. Freshmen or transfer students to a university setting are more likely to open up and plunge into the social atmosphere. Outside of a college setting, though, I find it difficult to bond with others.

The people in the area where I currently live have lived here the majority of their lives. They aren’t use to people coming in and out. They don’t realize just because I’ve lived here for 4 years doesn’t mean I “know” the area or now I’m a “local”, but it’s assumed. I often feel in two very different places. Either I’m expected to understand the dynamics of the local culture (or if I don’t, I’m met with deep, set opinions on the matter along with strange looks and sneered noses) or I completely close myself off and nobody seems to notice. Neither are the best places to be.

So, the dynamics of my current situation have been a difficult one to navigate. And then there is trying to juggle relationships. One TCK trait is “the experiences of TCKs among different cultures and various relationships makes it difficult for them to have in-depth communication with those who have not experienced similar conditions.” So, what to talk about with people who don’t get it? How to create a bond with others that are local and VERY set in their ways?

The way I’ve been doing it is (keeping in mind that another TCK trait is 90% feel "out of sync" with their peers.):

At first I jump into my old habits of disclosing any and all of myself. Either one of two things will happen. They’ll be slightly interested, albeit freaked out so I take that as a cue to tone it down OR they are just freaked out and I analyze and over analyze what I did wrong.

So, if I’m lucky to have someone slightly interested, I do what I do best…I inquire about the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves. Or if they don’t, it’s typically because others constantly talk about themselves and don’t give anyone else the chance to talk. Once others start opening up to me, I continue to inquire and ask questions and positively reinforce them.

What happens though is…I’m not disclosing anything about myself. Or the topics that I enjoy talking about (culture, personalities, humanitarian and philosophical things) are too deep or not interesting to most. So, the relationship becomes unbalanced and then when I want to talk or need to talk, even if I don’t know what the crap to talk about, that is not the dynamics of our relationship and a rift starts to take place; a rift that is either balanced (ironically) by me shutting up and making it all about them or praying and hoping to find someone that is willing to accept me, quirks and all, and willing to TRY and understand even if they don’t.

I’m at a place now where I have very few people in my life and it seems like anytime the above paragraph happens, I end up having an anxiety attack.

It feels like groundhog’s day in the realm of relationships for me.

I’m tired of the unbalanced friendships/relationships. But how do you counteract that when time after time it has been shown that people don’t want to take the time to get to know me? Time after time people don’t want to inquire about my life because it is so foreign from theirs or they don’t want to sift through the depression and sadness to see that there is life and happiness deep down inside of me (sometimes I have a hard time finding it!). OR when someone does show interest…it’s been years for me to have someone in my life that genuinely cares and now I’m distrusting or I’ve just gotten use to not talking about myself so I don’t even know what to say anymore.

That’s the biggest issue, even with my own spouse. I just don’t know what to say. And then I fear I’m too boring. And then the cycle of depression starts all over again.

So, I’ve listened a long time to others tell me I rely too much on others for my happiness. So, am I supposed to be happy when I am alone in my house….alone at my job…alone roughly 85-90% of the time? Or am I not allowing God to complete me?

Spiteful and bitter? Yes. Identity crisis and loss of self (self-worth, self-esteem, self as a whole)? Yes.

So, yes I have issues with abandonment and rejection. But I have no idea how to do the whole relationship/friendship thing anymore.

The Vulnerability of Being Real

Many things are starting to transition in my life. Or rather, I'm transitioning. It's not yet time to share all that I'm going through and have to look forward to, but it will be time soon enough.

What I can share is this:

I've started attending church again and the most amazing thing happened this past Sunday. I've started going to a new church and the guest speaker this past Sunday is a good, long-time friend of the pastor. His message was interesting but I completely related. The guest's message was about going through the traumatic event of losing his daughter. He was in the ER with her when she was in and out of life and praying for her and was then going to leave, but one of the machines in the ER trapped him in and then caused him to have PTSD.

He confessed to being on an antidepressant, antianxiety medication and a sleeping pill which are things that most people are ashamed to even mention or talk about in church.

He used a beautiful illustration of putting aluminum foil on his hand and said a lot of times Christians use an aluminum handkerchief to wipe away the tears of those grieving and hurting, but what they don't realize is that they are hurting that person more and they ultimately don't want to be touched by other's pains and traumas.

He is still going through the healing process which was a nice change to hear because a lot of times, people will give messages in church about how they've gone through something and then are already on the other side of things. It can get very discouraging especially when you're still going through the process of grief and haven't "arrived".

I'm so heart-broken for what this gentleman has gone through and continues to go through, but I could relate to almost everything he said. He explained that once he went through this trauma, people he knew and loved for years suddenly disappeared out of his life. That is what happened to me at Lee University. I started acting in ways I didn't understand and people abandoned me. He has been told by many people of faith that he doesn't have enough faith to be healed or that it just takes reading God's word. I was told the same thing. It was so nice to have someone real up there. I was just in an inpatient psych ward last July due to suicidal ideation. I've been so embarrassed and ashamed to talk to others about it. I feel like people don't believe me or just don't want to acknowledge what that means. He said he was in an inpatient psych ward about six months ago and it's sad that he felt he could be most real in there instead of in church.

I'm real. I'm emotional. I am who I am. Maybe I open myself up to being hurt so easily because of how real I am, but I've attempted to play the game of trying to keep up - trying to be what others want me to be - trying to be who I think others expect me to be for way too long...and I just can't do it any longer.

I know most people don't understand the whole TCK thing. They don't understand why I can't just be happy in the United States...my citizenship is American after all. I grew up around other Americans and was able to speak English wherever I went. But I also lived in other countries. I was immersed in the cultures of those countries. I was surrounded by other people from very different walks of life. That is a part of me and always will be. My American experience was limited to the stories from my parents and vacations in the States every summer. It's not fair to expect me to be rooted in a place and have national pride in a place that I only visited and heard stories of.