Since coming back to my passport country, I've questioned both of my constants. It's natural to progress away from your original family unit and it's healthy to question why you believe what you believe. It's all a part of growing and maturing. I didn't realize how important those two components were, though. I continually search to have the life I use to have when I lived abroad and I just don't think that's going to happen. I relied heavily on my constants to keep me afloat when things in my life changed. So much of my identity was wrapped up in who my parents and friends saw and thought of me. Now that I'm not around them, I feel peeled away and vulnerable and I especially feel like I'm not grounded at all.
I think the reason I've had a difficult and prolonged time transitioning is because I didn't have time to truly dissect why I was going through all the anxiety and fear when I was first diagnosed with PMDD. I was in the midst of the depression and I was just trying to survive.
Depression causes you to withdraw and push everyone away. I've moved multiple times since living in the States and in doing that, I've nixed a lot of opportunities to have a support system. I still have support - it's just the people I care most about are scattered all over the place.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching, like I usually do, and I've tried to remember what makes me happy. I'm happy when I'm helping others. I'm happy when I have newness and something to look forward to in my life. My issue, though, is I'm expecting for others to understand and accept me now - the depressed, scared, vulnerable, identity-less me. I've been looking for someone to seek me out and help me. And that just isn't happening.
Previously, I refused to become a chameleon because I felt I wasn't being true to myself. I use to be really good at being a chameleon. That's how I fit wherever I went. That's how I fit when I met new people. It's a great TCK trait. But for whatever reason, I thought that trait was a negative. The question that keeps popping up in my mind is - if it was such a bad trait, then why did I have so many friends? Since I'm not using that technique anymore, I have little to no friends. Makes a person think....
As stated previously, growing up, I was incredibly reliant on my family and friends to help mold my identity. I don't see that as a bad thing, if anything the community I lived in was incredibly collectivistic. Now, living in an individualist society, it's hard to fit in anywhere. Everyone already has their family and friends. It's difficult to make new friends when you live in a place where nobody ever really moves. I'm trying, though.
I often feel like these fish. I exist in the world with other people, but it's like I live in an entirely different bowl, looking and longing to "be" in the same bowl as others.
I guess where I'm at now is trying to decide if I want to continue to feel disconnected from my current state of being or if I want to do what I need to do to jive with the society I'm in. I'm realizing more and more that my issues with PMDD and being a TCK are connected. I'm trying really hard to find ways to flourish and truly live life instead of just surviving and constantly feeling out of step with everyone else. What do you do to help yourself not feel so out of step? Or do you ever feel out of step with others?
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