Friendships?

I have come to realize through talks with counselors, but mainly through self-exploration, that I have issues with abandonment and rejection…I think it’s always been there, but it has been more prominent since moving to the US and especially after what I describe as the “defining moment” of being stuck in the States with no other place to call home.

I talk more about my time in Lajes (the Azores) only because I remember it better. My peers were coming in and out every year and a half to two years because it was an Airforce Base that didn’t allot extended service in the area. I stayed for 6 years (I technically count 8 because I still considered it “home” when I went to the US to start college). During my time, I had a solid community of other teacher’s kids, but I had the excitement of new students coming in every year. I loved getting to know people. I loved the change. I was sad to see good friends go, but the sadness was overshadowed by the change.

We didn’t usually have a lot of time together, so we got to know each other quickly and deeply. You knew who you could mesh with. You knew who wanted to open up and when they did, we had a beautiful, fulfilling relationship.

From my experiences, Americans don’t open up as quickly as I’m used to…well, it depends on the setting. Freshmen or transfer students to a university setting are more likely to open up and plunge into the social atmosphere. Outside of a college setting, though, I find it difficult to bond with others.

The people in the area where I currently live have lived here the majority of their lives. They aren’t use to people coming in and out. They don’t realize just because I’ve lived here for 4 years doesn’t mean I “know” the area or now I’m a “local”, but it’s assumed. I often feel in two very different places. Either I’m expected to understand the dynamics of the local culture (or if I don’t, I’m met with deep, set opinions on the matter along with strange looks and sneered noses) or I completely close myself off and nobody seems to notice. Neither are the best places to be.

So, the dynamics of my current situation have been a difficult one to navigate. And then there is trying to juggle relationships. One TCK trait is “the experiences of TCKs among different cultures and various relationships makes it difficult for them to have in-depth communication with those who have not experienced similar conditions.” So, what to talk about with people who don’t get it? How to create a bond with others that are local and VERY set in their ways?

The way I’ve been doing it is (keeping in mind that another TCK trait is 90% feel "out of sync" with their peers.):

At first I jump into my old habits of disclosing any and all of myself. Either one of two things will happen. They’ll be slightly interested, albeit freaked out so I take that as a cue to tone it down OR they are just freaked out and I analyze and over analyze what I did wrong.

So, if I’m lucky to have someone slightly interested, I do what I do best…I inquire about the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves. Or if they don’t, it’s typically because others constantly talk about themselves and don’t give anyone else the chance to talk. Once others start opening up to me, I continue to inquire and ask questions and positively reinforce them.

What happens though is…I’m not disclosing anything about myself. Or the topics that I enjoy talking about (culture, personalities, humanitarian and philosophical things) are too deep or not interesting to most. So, the relationship becomes unbalanced and then when I want to talk or need to talk, even if I don’t know what the crap to talk about, that is not the dynamics of our relationship and a rift starts to take place; a rift that is either balanced (ironically) by me shutting up and making it all about them or praying and hoping to find someone that is willing to accept me, quirks and all, and willing to TRY and understand even if they don’t.

I’m at a place now where I have very few people in my life and it seems like anytime the above paragraph happens, I end up having an anxiety attack.

It feels like groundhog’s day in the realm of relationships for me.

I’m tired of the unbalanced friendships/relationships. But how do you counteract that when time after time it has been shown that people don’t want to take the time to get to know me? Time after time people don’t want to inquire about my life because it is so foreign from theirs or they don’t want to sift through the depression and sadness to see that there is life and happiness deep down inside of me (sometimes I have a hard time finding it!). OR when someone does show interest…it’s been years for me to have someone in my life that genuinely cares and now I’m distrusting or I’ve just gotten use to not talking about myself so I don’t even know what to say anymore.

That’s the biggest issue, even with my own spouse. I just don’t know what to say. And then I fear I’m too boring. And then the cycle of depression starts all over again.

So, I’ve listened a long time to others tell me I rely too much on others for my happiness. So, am I supposed to be happy when I am alone in my house….alone at my job…alone roughly 85-90% of the time? Or am I not allowing God to complete me?

Spiteful and bitter? Yes. Identity crisis and loss of self (self-worth, self-esteem, self as a whole)? Yes.

So, yes I have issues with abandonment and rejection. But I have no idea how to do the whole relationship/friendship thing anymore.