What I can share is this:
I've started attending church again and the most amazing thing happened this past Sunday. I've started going to a new church and the guest speaker this past Sunday is a good, long-time friend of the pastor. His message was interesting but I completely related. The guest's message was about going through the traumatic event of losing his daughter. He was in the ER with her when she was in and out of life and praying for her and was then going to leave, but one of the machines in the ER trapped him in and then caused him to have PTSD.
He confessed to being on an antidepressant, antianxiety medication and a sleeping pill which are things that most people are ashamed to even mention or talk about in church.
He used a beautiful illustration of putting aluminum foil on his hand and said a lot of times Christians use an aluminum handkerchief to wipe away the tears of those grieving and hurting, but what they don't realize is that they are hurting that person more and they ultimately don't want to be touched by other's pains and traumas.
He is still going through the healing process which was a nice change to hear because a lot of times, people will give messages in church about how they've gone through something and then are already on the other side of things. It can get very discouraging especially when you're still going through the process of grief and haven't "arrived".
I'm so heart-broken for what this gentleman has gone through and continues to go through, but I could relate to almost everything he said. He explained that once he went through this trauma, people he knew and loved for years suddenly disappeared out of his life. That is what happened to me at Lee University. I started acting in ways I didn't understand and people abandoned me. He has been told by many people of faith that he doesn't have enough faith to be healed or that it just takes reading God's word. I was told the same thing. It was so nice to have someone real up there. I was just in an inpatient psych ward last July due to suicidal ideation. I've been so embarrassed and ashamed to talk to others about it. I feel like people don't believe me or just don't want to acknowledge what that means. He said he was in an inpatient psych ward about six months ago and it's sad that he felt he could be most real in there instead of in church.
I'm real. I'm emotional. I am who I am. Maybe I open myself up to being hurt so easily because of how real I am, but I've attempted to play the game of trying to keep up - trying to be what others want me to be - trying to be who I think others expect me to be for way too long...and I just can't do it any longer.
I know most people don't understand the whole TCK thing. They don't understand why I can't just be happy in the United States...my citizenship is American after all. I grew up around other Americans and was able to speak English wherever I went. But I also lived in other countries. I was immersed in the cultures of those countries. I was surrounded by other people from very different walks of life. That is a part of me and always will be. My American experience was limited to the stories from my parents and vacations in the States every summer. It's not fair to expect me to be rooted in a place and have national pride in a place that I only visited and heard stories of.
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