Grief

I wish I could rip this day - this feeling out like a page in a magazine and then crumble it up and toss it away.

I say its hard because it truly is. I want to take a day off, but I can't. I have to keep pushing through. I thought everything would be hunky dorey once I started using the progesterone cream on a regular basis and I must admit, the swings aren't as severe...but man, they're still there!

I laid in bed and just cried last night. I was finally able to cry about my losses....and I think there will be plenty more times to come like that. At first I didn't want to and I laid there with a tissue over my face trying to keep back the sobs that were welling up inside. I tried to hold it back, but then I said screw it and the tears came.

I cried for losing my home knowing I'll never be able to go back - knowing nothing will ever be the same - feeling estranged in this country but disconnected from the country I called home the longest. I cried for losing Jessica knowing how young she was and just starting her family. Knowing she had so much more to give and she would never watch her son grow up. Longing for the fun times in high school and just to talk to her again. I cried for losing my grandpa knowing that I would never hear his voice again and he would never call us "the babiessss" ever again.

Why does our society frown on grief? Why are we just supposed to get up and get over it? Because crying is a sign of weakness? That's bologna. I use to get made fun of in elementary and high school for being too emotional and I acted like a baby and I cried too easily. Screw all of that! It's healthy to cry and its healthy to let the tears wash away the pain.

Why is it so uncomfortable for others to deal with raw emotions? It's not like emotions are taboo. Every human being has the capability to show emotion and some express it a lot more freely than others. I use to express my emotions freely and then I was shunned for it because the way I was expressing myself was uncomfortable to those around me.

I cannot and will not live to appease others. If I'm doing something morally wrong by having a bad freaking day, show me how it's wrong. Show me how I'm in the wrong for hurting. Show me how I'm in the wrong for wanting something better. Don't lecture me. Don't yell at me. Don't shun me. Don't abandon me. We all can get prickly sometimes, but there is still water flowing deep within. And its OK to let it out.