Searching

I look in the mirror and I see this bubbly girl smiling back at me. But I don’t recognize her.

Because on the inside…I don’t feel bubbly. I feel lost and confused. I feel angry.

Some days I wake up, excited to see what the day has in store. Other days I wonder what the point is. I grumble all the way into work trying to psych myself up. Trying to make myself believe that something is going to worth it….eventually.

Very little excites me. Or if it does, it doesn’t capture my attention for very long before I’m bored and uninterested. I enjoy making crafts and when a spark of creativity happens to appear in my mind, I enjoy crafting a mini masterpiece. Other times, I look and search for ideas and nothing sparks my interest or I feel defeated thinking, it’s already been done who cares if I make another one.

I’ve been participating in a TCK research study and I’m learning a lot about myself. Stuff that makes me wonder how I didn’t see or realize these things before. My depression and anger came about when my parents left the Azores. It just got worse from there. And the last several years have been trying to regain myself….regain the life that I lost due to having a mental break down.

I hate being weak. I hate being insecure. I hate all these feelings I’m feeling.

I’m angry right now and I have no idea why. I could try and guess, but nothing is coming to the forefront. And then I wonder, am I going to be like this the rest of my life? Just merely trying to exist and hoping the next day will be better than today?

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting it. Like I’m striving towards forgiveness and gratefulness. Striving towards peace and fulfillment. And then days like today creep upon me and it seems like it’s out of the blue.

I feel like I have no life and no family. No community. No real connections with anyone. When I stop trying to maintain what little I have, it all disappears. Sigh. It all becomes so draining.