10-Year Grieving Process

I never cried when it seemed appropriate. I didn’t cry when I left Bahrain. I didn’t cry when I left the Azores. In fact, I was relieved because I had a very bad couple of experiences on my way back to the island for the last time. Maybe it was a way to help me through the process. If I was mad that would cover up the sadness. That’s often how my depression shows its face – through anger.

I’ve only been to a handful of funerals in my time and I don’t know how to grieve. I think that’s one reason why I have such emotional outburst during PMDD. It has to come out sometime and I’ve been harboring a lot of pain, a lot of emotion for quite a long time.

I have been trying to survive for so long. I have been trying to stay afloat and not drown in the seemingly endless amounts of emotions that overtake me month after month. Now that I’m not in survival mode anymore, I’m beginning to find out who I am again…or rather, who I am now. Our past will always be a part of us, but I don’t want to stay stagnant in the same place forever. I don’t want to sit wishing upon wishes that my life could be the way it used to be because by doing that I’m missing out on so much that is going on right now.

I’m grateful for the experiences and the life I’ve had. I’m so blessed to have grown up overseas and met the awesome people I have. I have so much more to look forward to.

I’m not slow and I’m not dumb, but it has taken me 10 years to recognize that I had a difficult time acclimating back to the United States, my passport county. It has taken me a long time to realize that I have been lonely and upset because I lost people that I considered close to me. I’ve grown distant. I’ve shut myself off. I use to be a very touchy-feely person. Always giving hugs and cuddling with my roommates. We need that from each other. We need each other. People need people. My faith has been tested big time, but I’m still growing. I’m still adapting. I’m still learning. I’m still sensitive. I’m just a heck of a lot more knowledgeable now and not groping for answers in the dark. This awareness won’t necessarily enable others to “get it”, but that’s ok. I’m beginning to have confidence in me. I’m beginning to heal. I’m beginning to live my life the way I was intended to.

I will still have bad days, I guarantee it. I will still have days that I cry and it may seem like for no reason…but deep down I’ll understand that it’s probably for multiple reasons.

I’m grateful for my tears because my body needs a release. I’m grateful for my pain because it’s validation that the life I lived was real…that I am real….that I feel and exist. I’m grateful for my experiences because they are making me into the person that I am. I'm grateful for the grieving process, no matter how long it takes....and it takes everyone a different amount of time and down a different path.

I feel like I'm finally ready to begin living my life.