I’ve been participating in a research study about TCKs and their college experience and it has shed so much light for me. Answering the questions brings things I’ve been trying to hide from and stuff away and forget to the forefront. I had a great time at college before my parents left the Azores. Even though I didn’t interact with international students and I stuffed my abroad experiences away because my peers couldn’t relate or understand, I still was able to develop and maintain friendships.
After my parents left the Azores, life became a blur for me. I had no home anymore. I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do. I couldn’t go home. I was stuck in a country that I only considered a place to come to during the summer time. My experiences in the states consisted of traveling and little bits of TV here and there. I didn’t know what was popular. I didn’t know what was normal. I became incredibly alienated and anxiety and fear took over me.
Nobody knew that I was struggling with adjustment issues. Why would they? I had been in the states for two solid years going to school, happy as a lark (to an extent). My anger issues started arising as soon as I got to school because I had to deny big chunks of who I was.
The following are answers to some research questions I’ve been asked. My answers have been one of the most painful, yet cathartic realizations I’ve had in six years.
Explain the situation leading up to you leaving school for a while and eventually transferring. What spurred that decision? Why did you decide to leave? How did you make that decision? What did your friends, family, professors and/or advisers think? Were they supportive? Did you experience feelings of restlessness leading up to that decision? Even after leaving school and then re-enrolling, did you experience restlessness? What made you decide to return?
This was a very difficult time for me and something I’m still trying to overcome to this day. My parents left the Azores the summer before my junior year. It wasn’t until I went to visit them at Christmas time that things started to sink in for me. Germany, where my parents now live, was not my home. I didn’t have a home. I didn’t know where I was from. Every other summer and/or Christmas I would go home and then we would come back to the states to spend time together. I still had a place to go back to that was familiar and safe.
After the Christmas break, I started having a lot of anger issues. By the end of the semester, I ended up having a complete meltdown. Neither I, nor my parents understood what was going on. They switched my plane ticket to come “home” to Germany sooner than I was supposed to. They took me to see a doctor on the military base who diagnosed me with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) since it seemed these anger issues and mood swings arose the week before menses. I was put on a mild antidepressant to help alleviate the symptoms. During the summer, my boyfriend broke up with me after being together for two years and I started having an incredibly difficult time functioning in school. I slept all the time. I missed classes. I asked my doctor to switch my medication because I couldn’t function in school. This is when I switched my major to a double major in music and psychology.
The winter semester of 2006 is quite a blur to me. I started having anxiety attacks all the time. I was switching medicines every couple of months. I was in and out of the ER 10 times alone that year. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and my family was so far away. My peers began to be frightened of me and started claiming I was demon possessed. My advisor and professors I looked up to came down on me with tough love. They stated that it only took a couple of minutes to pray and read my bible. They claimed if I had enough faith, then I would be healed. That didn’t help to feel safe or to feel I had support. I started to feel that there was something very wrong with me. My peers began to withdraw from me and I began to withdraw from them. I finished out the semester with good grades, although I have no idea how. I took the summer off and went to visit my new boyfriend’s family (now my husband) up in Ohio. I tried to begin the fall semester, but I was so embarrassed and still not functioning well that I ended up withdrawing in October 2006. I had obtained a part time job at a bank and decided to work full time while I tried to get things figured out. I attempted to start school again in January 2007, but withdrew after only a couple of days. I didn’t feel like I fit in at all anymore. .
My husband and I got married July 2007 and, again, I had planned to return to school because it was important to me to finish my education. I decided since my family was so far away, it would be better to move to Ohio to be close to his family. We moved up to Ohio in January 2008. I actually enrolled in Regent University’s psychology program online, but I wanted to be around people. So, I didn’t even stay for a total of two weeks before withdrawing. I was working as a teller and my trainer was talking about Hiram’s Weekend College. I remember two of my good friends from high school going to Hiram College, so I looked into it.
What do you think it was about your parents leaving the Azores that triggered such a deep emotional response?
It was my home. It was a place of safety and a place I identified as part of me. I was able to go home my first two years of college. I flew back home for Christmas and at the beginning of the summer time because school always let out earlier for me than it did for my parents. I all of a sudden didn’t feel safe and I didn’t know where I belonged. It was a scary experience.
Do you know if any of the personnel that worked with you through your depression have any experience dealing with Third Culture Kids?
None of them had any experience. I was diagnosed with a lot of different things from PTSD to having cluster headaches to being Bipolar NOS to having Major Depression to having a Mood Disorder NOS. Nobody took into account the way I grew up. I remember working with one counselor who claimed the way I grew up wasn’t reality. That really messed with my head, to say the least! Needless to say, I don’t seek out many professionals to help me anymore. I’ve had a lot more success researching on my own even though it’s probably taken longer. The doctor I am working with now is married to a German lady and is the first one to tell me that part of my issues stem from the way that I grew up.
Do you think the way that your professors (and/or friends) treated you with "tough love" was helpful or hurtful to you in your situation? Did anyone tell you there wasn't anything wrong with you or that you were just struggling with adjustment/transition?
It was absolutely hurtful. I felt lost and confused and by not having anyone that seemed to want to care really pushed me into isolation. Nobody told me anything of the sort. Nobody had a clue that I was struggling with adjustment/transition. I didn’t even realize it.
So, here I am six years later after all this mess happened. Finally able to face what actually happened to me. Finally able to look back and realize the majority of the poems I write about consist of loneliness, hurt, sadness, alienation…all the things I’ve been feeling and experiencing since this traumatic event.
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